Love Notes from God

I recently re-watched Bruce Almighty, and fell in love all over again with the fun-loving plot. It’s fun to see Hollywood play around with the idea of God and actually get some stuff correct.

This time while watching, I noticed something that hadn’t affected me in previous viewings. I feel peace that this new found revelation is a special gift from God to me.

You see, I’ve been struggling with the concept of trusting God’s love. I accept that He love me (why wouldn’t I) but I struggle to believe that love is always going to be there. It seems so simple to think that His love could easily disappear, like the love of people tends to do. But through the reading of my word, I’ve discovered that He makes some pretty heavy promises to His children.

For example, check out this one:

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32 ESV)

How cool is that? A promise that God, who gave the biggest sacrifice (His son) will not withhold anything from us. It’s like saying, I gave you the most expensive mansion. Why wouldn’t I give you furniture to put in it?

Man. That’s hard to debate when you think about it. We stress about so much, but God promises to provide each day if we place our faith in Him. That’s a love we can’t easily understand.

So as I’m watching Bruce Almighty, the protagonist asks God how he can make someone love him without affecting free will. The actor playing God laughs and says, “Son, if you can figure that out, let me know.” Bruce, the protagonist who has inherited God’s powers, proceeds to try everything within his power to convince his long-time girlfriend to forgive him. Any man can do this, and often does when found in the metaphoric dog house. But what really hit me was the scene where his girl friend was running and she saw their names written (inside of a heart) on every tree she passed on her jog. Picture that for a second. Your name. Inside of a heart. With A plus sign and the word God.

Pretty powerful, huh?

That’s the connection I made while watching the movie. Doesn’t God do this every day to us? For me, He writes love notes in the sun rises. He professes his deduction to me in the cool breeze that hits my face on the morning drive to work. He reaffirms me in the smell of sweat roses sitting on my desk. His pursuit of me I palpable, and I can’t help but think its high time I surrender to his persistent call and accept that He isn’t going anywhere. The lover of my soul wants me for an eternity, and he secured my spot by sending His Son to pay the necessary debt to make that happen. No price too high for him to get the chance to love me for eternity. Oh. My. Goodness.

That’s powerful.

So how do you convince someone to love you without affecting free will?

Apparently you never stop finding ways to show her how far you’re willing to go to captivate her heart.

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It’s Over…Officially…Again.

ImageSome of you may remember I posted about reluctantly close the door on a friendship that didn’t develop as I had hoped. In short, I did not set up proper boundaries (with myself) between a very close male friend, and I ended imagining  relationship could have existed that definitely did not. I am finding out more and more that this is common with women, when we don’t establish and stick to proper boundaries and standards. 

Well, I recently found out that said friend is now engaged, to this woman. Hearing this news via text literally took the wind out of my metaphoric sails. I think in some small way, I thought it was still possible that one day he would wake up and realize how fabulous I am. Now that I know they are engaged, I also know this will never happen. 

 

My initial bent was to be morose and self-loathing, and I must admit, those feelings would be satisfying in a small, temporary way. However, I know that I have to choose to think positively about all of this, and I know there has to be some silver-lining in this story, that technically has nothing to do with me. These two people, one of whom was a dear  friend of mine who I will ALWAY MISS, are committed to starting a life together. That life has nothing to do with me. What does pertain to me, however, is how I react to the knowledge that a man who I once had strong feelings for, will NEVER, EVER, share those feelings for me. 

 

So, how do I react, or in other words, how does my story end? 

 

I am definitely not sure, yet. Some things I do know:

1. God has promised me a husband.

2. God has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me. 

3. God has always proven Himself faithful in His word and His action.

4. God isn’t finished with the good work He began in me and in my life. 

5. One day I will better understand all of this.

 

If there is anything I regret, it is that I can’t personally congratulate my friend. I miss him as my friend more than I thought possible. I wish I could tell him how happy I am for him, and how much joy I pray exists within their marriage. I wish I could tell him I am sorry I didn’t handle my feelings better two years ago, and I genuinely don’t know how we went from inseparable friends, to complete strangers. I wish I could tell him all of the amazing promises God has fulfilled in my life; promises he and I prayed for years ago. But I don’t see how any of these things can happen.

But if by some miracle he does see this, Michael, I want you to know this: I miss you. I am happy for you. And I will never forget how  you taught me how to be a good, consistent friend.  Best of luck to you and your future wife. 

 

Keep praying for me, friends!

 

Danni 

Not glorifying God

I have come to realization that I am currently in a season of life that isn’t glorifying to God. I am running myself ragged, making poor choices because of frustration and exhaustion, and spreading myself way too thin. I am overbooked, over working myself, and over it.

I believe I have gotten to a place where I am regressing, and not progressing. I feel I have set up a performance-based living that isn’t working out in any positive way. I am behind in my work, worn out in some aspects of ministry, and I have no clue where the answers or solutions are going to come from. I am not socializing as much as I would like to; I am not happy. I am not joyous, and though I am told by the Word that we can find joy in all seasons, I don’t feel it. I guess I can rejoice in the fact that I recognize something is wrong; that is good! And probably the first step in making changes.

I need help and discernment from God to know what to prune, what to adjust, what to take in. I need to eliminate some pressures and stresses in my life, and I also need to welcome in ways and habits that help when life gets me down. Right now, I have been reverting to just retreating away from society and into my little cubby of the world and feeling sorry for myself. I am done doing that.

Father, help me to get my life to place that is glorifying to you. Burning the candle at both ends isn’t beneficial to anyone. Help me to be more effective, and less exhausted!

Emotional Overload

In the last week I have closed on my first home, gotten food poisoning, moved, and faced a number of homeowner adventures. I have met new people along the way, and old friends have stepped up and truly blessed me with support, help, and love. Through it all, I can’t help but admit I have felt incredibly empty, but mostly, lonely.

It’s odd, I know. In truth, I have socialized and interacted with so many people in the past week! I have been blessed by so many near and dear friends. But for some strange reason, the emotion that keeps peaking up at the end of the day is loneliness. I equate it to a person who just lost a loved on: he or she is surrounded by people for about a week, but when the funeral is over and the dead is buried, they are left completely alone to pick up the pieces and mire forward in their new surroundings. That’s a little bit like how I feel right now.

I own a home now. It’s daunting to think that there is no line of defense between myself and disaster. I own this place, so anything that goes wrong I have to fix. Like the AC that didn’t work last week; I couldn’t call a landlord. I am the landlord! And yes, this is what I prayed for and trusted God for, so it’s not like I unexpectedly got a house (unlike my previous metaphor of losing a loved one; that can usually happen unexpectedly). I asked for this, and yet, my emotions feel fried! As excited as I am about this new adventure, I feel overloaded with negative emotions like fear and anxiety and again, loneliness.

I know and trust these feelings are temporary, and just a result of spiritual attack combined with a major life event. I just needed to get all this out there; sort of vent in the hopes that by confessing it, I am one step closer to getting through it. I know God is my source, and I am never truly alone. I welcome HIM into this house, and ask HIM to keep me company as I adjust to my new surroundings.

Danni

It’s About Time

A little over a year ago, I told my male best friends I was in love with him. I had accidentally caught feelings (as if it’s disease) for him, and since he was seriously dating someone at the time, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me to carry on with the friendship. For her. For him. And for me. From that day to this one, our relationship has never been (and will never be) the same. It wont. And it can’t.

I’ve spent this time missing my friend; my heart has literally hurt over the loss of his presence in my life. It was very much like a break up on my end. I resented the fact that he had her to cling to, and didn’t have to spend time mourning my absence. I resented the fact that he “chose” her over me, and often (okay very often) joked that it was because she was skinnier than me, and for no other reason. I hated him for being able to confide in her and enjoy life with her, while I was sitting on my couch some nights crying my eyes out about the void left in my heart. In short, I was angry with the whole situation.

As my heart has had time to heal, I’ve slowly seen changes in the way I look at the outcome of our once-inseparable bond. However, it wasn’t until today that I was actually able to smile at the situation and for the first time EVER, be happy for him. My friend reconnected with a girl he loved from afar in high school. He couldn’t date her because he was in another relationship and she was “just a friend” to him, but she had his heart from day one, I imagine. They reconnected almost ten years later on Facebook, and started dating instantly. Me, as the friend who didn’t get “picked” originally resented this relationship and all that it stood for. I thought they were insane and holding on to feelings that didn’t exist anymore. But today I had a thought.

They’ve been together for over two years now (might even be engaged by now), so there has to be some legitimate connection there. And, more importantly, my friend is happy. He has to be; he isn’t the type to stick around if he isn’t. So, instead of begrudging the whole thing and wishing it was me, today I smiled for a minute and honestly thought, “Good for him! It’s about time he has a woman return the love he is able to give.”

And he may never know I’ve arrived at this juncture; he may not ever need to know. What warms my hear the most is the deep work God is doing inside of me that allowed me to have this thought today. It never would have happened if left to my own devices, I can assure you of this. But God….

So, I am happy for them both. They found each other after all of these years, and they can finally express the love and admiration I am sure they had and hid over ten years ago. What an awesome feeling that must be.

🙂

As Bold as a Mouse

When it comes to my faith, my passions, and my career, I will fight tooth and nail to reach my goals. I work harder than is usually required, brain storming and breaking through walls and buriers each day. I feel very confident in my faith and my career, and in my abilities to be used in positive ways for God’s Kingdom in both arenas. When it comes to dating, I am about as bold as a mouse.

I am not nearly as bold as I should be when it come to my dating life. I have to sadly admit that though I KNOW I should be more actively involved in the process, it would give me great joy if the man who I am supposed to marry just approached me and told me he was the one. I actually have an nice scenario mapped out: I am walking down the pasta isle in the grocery store and I accidentally drop a box of wheat penne. When I go to pick it up, laughing at myself, a gorgeous man is grabs it for me and we smile at each other as we stand up. I laugh. He laughs. We marry six months later.

I am laughing at myself after typing this out: it sounds SO silly. Cute. But SILLY! If I am willing to put so much work and effort into some areas of my life, why don’t I feel the same push to do the same in this one area? I have never had the attitude that I want anything handed to me in life; on the contrary, my parents raised me to understand that I had to work for what I wanted. And other than my own salvation, I believe that there is always work to do in order to achieve anything. So, where is the motivation to do any work in this arena?

I know that I am not meant to pursue a man. As a woman of Christ, I understand that I am meant to be pursued. However; this dude isn’t going to come walking through my door! Shouldn’t I be out and about more? Shouldn’t I be in settings that constitute meeting someone new?

Or am I simply just doing what God has asked me to do? Can I put my mind at ease and just be content for a moment, or am I missing the mark here?

The good thing is that I don’t serve a God of confusion. Even though I feel as bold as a mouse right now, I have a God who is strong and enables me to be courageous. So as I type out some of my dating questions, I know God is already at work giving me guidance and answers. He gave me the desire for a husband. Therefore, he WILL fulfill it!

Until then, I am hopeful.

Danni 🙂

I might return to Facebook

I deactivated my Facebook account just before midnight on December 31st, 2010. It started as a 21 days fast and has now lasted for two and half months. I haven’t missed Facebook, completely.

I think that I had gotten to a point where FB had taken up a lot of my free time and my free thought. As soon as I opened my computer, I was on FB looking at statuses and replies to mine. I enjoyed the attention that FB brought me, and that is completely understandable: we humans desire positive attention. I was also looking at engagement, wedding, and baby pictures and I truly felt like the rest of the world was getting all of these amazing blessings that I wanted and I was being left out of the figurative loop. I had unhealthy reactions to healthy things.

So my fast has helped both spiritually and emotionally. I feel more content with my life and surroundings. I feel more in tune with reality as well. The one thing I miss is interacting with people who aren’t in close proximity to me and keeping up on information about events and the like.

So I find myself in a dilemma: return to FB or keep my profile deactivated. I fear getting sucked into the madness again. That isn’t something I want to do, especially when I know I am happy without the page. I also don’t want to be so disconnected with social media that I have an irrational fear of it, or even worse, that I miss opportunities that can only come about through that venue.

So, I am in prayer about my next step. I won’t move too quickly, that is for sure.

Any advice from folks out there reading this? Am I a fool or a revolutionary? 🙂

Danni