I Want That For You

Yesterday, my mother made a comment that made me cringe: ” I want that for you! I just get so upset when I see people who have things that I want for you, and you don’t have them.”

She was referring to a job and a particular person that we both know. At the time she said it, I brushed it off and let it slide because I thought it was just a typical mother wanting the best for her daughter; this will never change. However, as I was reading Exodus tonight, it dawned on me: what I already have isn’t too shabby.

I am in graduate school working on my Masters of Divinity Degree, I am drawing closer to God on a daily hourly basis, and I am reading God’s Word on the most consistent basis I ever have… and I am doing all of this with JOY in my heart. Do I want a job? Of course; but I want what I have right now too: peace of mind, a connection with the Lord, and JOY.

Thinking about the person my mother compared me to yesterday, I smile because I DO NOT want what they have. Nothing is wrong with their life, their job, or anything they are doing, but I have learned a long time ago to NOT lust after what other have: STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE, as a friend of mine would say.

So, in thinking about my mother’ s comment I have to maintain a healthy stance here and remind myself (if not her) that what I want for myself ( and for all of those around me) is this JOY I (mostly) feel in knowing I am one step closer to the woman God has planned for me to be. In truth, no job, or man, or situation should be able to take away or bring you joy: it’s IN you all the time. joy

My readers, I want that for YOU.

Danni

The Day I Realized I Wasn’t Perfect

Do you Think you’re perfect?
(polls)

imperfect

Today has been a turning point in my life, and I had no idea when I woke up how incredibly different I would feel by the time I went to bed. I started journalling about this right after it happened and I want to share it with all of you.

I just realized today, in the midst of my Atlanta trials, that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. This is often something that people discover at a young age, but being an ultimate perfectionist, it took me 26 years to understand what this really means. This isn’t a bad discovery; it’s freeing because now I am liberated to accept and live life the way God intended it: IMPERFECTLY.

No matter what I do, I will never reach perfection. This isn’t to say that I wont or cant aim for it, but WHEN (not IF) I fall short, I can rest comfortably in God’s promise that HE fills in my gaps I leave empty. The odds of me making several more mistakes are highly likely and they are just as likely for everyone else. God created to be imperfect, and he made NO mistake in doing so (though I have often questioned His judgement on this one *side eye*). I will always fall short, I will always be lacking, and God loves me that way. I have spent too much time NOT loving myself simply based on the things I cannot change. I can’t change the shape of my body, for example… I can, however change the SIZE of my body. See the difference?

Here’ another example/ metaphor for my analytical friends: I am a horrible speller. Without spell check, I would be kicked out of most first grade kindergarten classes (seriously)! Well, God is like our life Spell Checker. We will still mess up (i.e. those annoying red and green lines that show spelling errors) but in submitting to God (clicking spell check) we are cleaned up and made free.

This isn’t to say God quickly fixes our mistakes, either. It simply means we are free to find peace even in our errors, because God will pick us up and hold us if we allow Him. This is such a freeing thought; I don’t know about you but I feel like a new woman after realizing all of this.

I feel like I need a tattoo or a t-shirt to continually remind me of how good I feel at this very moment as I realize how FREE I am because CHRIST’S blood covers all my imperfections. I will settle for this blog post though; a digital reminder of how God strengthens me in my weakest moments.

I am bound to make more wrong choices, I am certain to completely fall on my face (again), I have no doubt in my mind I will say the wrong things, do the wrong things, and mess stuff up to the point of total confusion (NONE of this on purpose, though). I am not now, nor will I ever be perfect; and now I know this is PERFECTLY okay WONDERFUL and acceptable in the eyes of God.

Much love!

Danni

PS: Just clicked spell check… LOL

God uses the unlikely

Acts+9+WordleFor the start of #TheLast100Days challenge, I decided to pick up in Acts, as God lead me to this book last week. I read all of Acts 9 today… well, actually, I think I re-read it because I wanted to really dig deep into the beginning of Saul/Paul’s ministry.

A brief summary or recap for those of your who aren’t familiar with the story, or those who are but just need a refresher (face it… we read this stuff multiple times and get something different each time). Acts is a book about the early church, right after Jesus has been crucified and appears to his disciples in numerous ways for 40 days after his resurrection. What brought me to this book was class discussion where my professor was point out that people can pretend to be Christian (we see a lot of this) and he showed us the example of Simon the sorcerer in Acts 8. This cat actually tried to buy the Holy Spirit’s power…crazy, right? BUT, how often do we see infomercials or pastors preaching about selling the Word or some spiritual object that will get you closer to God? Let me tell you something… the only thing that gets you closer to God is the Holy Spirit, and that was a GIFT given to you by Jesus Christ. His blood payed the price for our sins… so you don’t have to worry about making payments on it too! Done deal.

Okay, so back to Acts 9. Saul is going around literally killing the disciples of Christ. In cold blood, he physically watched and participates in the killings of anyone of says Jesus is the Messiah and Savior. At this point in Acts, he’s issues arrest warrants to do his work, so things are pretty serious. On his way to Damascus, he is confronted by the spirit of Jesus who questions his actions and leaves him blind. Saul doesn’t eat for days, until the Lord sends Ananias to supernaturally (through the power of the God) heal Saul and give him his sight again. Saul gets baptized after this and begins preaching the Good News of Jesus. People are skeptical though, and there is a plot to kill him. He escapes several attempts on his life and the word tells us that he prospers and the Holy Spirit is with him and his crew.

What I really like about the beginning of Saul’s journey is that originally, he didn’t believe in Jesus and he was out to prove everyone who did wrong. How many of us were in that situation in our BC (before Christ) days? How many of us got involved in Bible debates and tried to debunk the Word because it was just too unbelievable? I know I did at one point (circa college) and I think it’s humorous to think about that, since now that I do believe, I think it’s much harder NOT to believe… you know what I mean?

The symbolism here is great, because Jesus blinds Saul, and only when the scales are removed from his eyes does he truly see the truth, and get baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. I was blind before God revealed himself to me. Matter of fact, I probably stayed blind longer than I needed to!

Saul’s story is proof that God chooses and uses the unlikely. He could have easily picked someone else, but he wanted Saul to be the spokesperson for the Jews and non-Jews! He wanted to show people who even the person who doubts the most can be converted into a believer once shown the light. The word says that people didn’t trust Saul and that that didn’t slow him down one bit. He just kept sharing God’s word and kept traveling and preaching to all the people, those who would listen and even those who didn’t, I LOVE this! I just LOVE that God chose Saul, and hear the calling and ran with it. Also, if you know anything about the rest of the new testament, Paul become the major writer and focus of a lot that goes on. This, coming from the man who was originally killing the early christians. Pretty cool, huh?

The last part of this scripture is about Peter bringing Tabitha back to life. Bottom line, anytime God brings someone back from the dead I get a little confused. Why them? What point are you trying to prove by doing this, Lord? I have an unlimited amount of questions about these types of happenings, and would love to hear your comments.

That’s all I’ve got for today. Remember… Please tweet me so I can add you to the list of people participating! So far… this is who I have:

@MsLoveLiLi (this was her idea)
@DanniWrites (ME)
@DavidLPatrick
@KeilaBee1
@AngelaDowns
@MackleenStories
@CatieJay
@ImInTransit
@Brownvintage
@NicomaVO
@shesasanga
@seximissj
@virtuousgem
@Rahnae
@TheaPatrick
@raiTKing
@mizznelly
@waltward3
@everywrdmatters
@purpleice1981
@kaywhydee
@flawedchristian
@bradpost
@tamarajenel
@sosteen1
Rachel Espinoza
@sandramariecom
@KDenise
@valjo48
@KristanHite
@ImNoBetterThanU
@CodyHite
@KevinDHite
@thejadedvoice

The Last 100 Days

It all started with a tweet, a call to spend the Last 100 days of 2009 in a way that would make one person closer to God and a more habitual Bible reader. With that tweet, 3 others responded and now we are asking all of you to join us in this exciting journey.

Here is what we are doing:

THe last 100 days of the year starts tomorrow (9/22/09) and anyone who wants to get involved has to make a conscience determination to read or listen to the Word of God everyday until December 30th. The hope is that in doing this, you will develop the habit of reading God’s word, and start 2010 with a renewed spirit.

Are you game?

Hit me up @DanniWrites on twitter so we can count you in and hold each other accountable.

What should I read each day? Whatever you feel lead to read. Open your Bible and read….go to www.biblegateway.com and read….click open youversion.com on your blackberry and read. Ask God to lead you, and just start reading. Post what you read on your twitter or blog, if you feel like it. Bottom line, we’re not all reading the same thing each day…this is a personal journey…. with friends to help make sure you’re still moving forward in the direction God has for YOU.

Make sense? You on board?

Let me know,

Danni

WHo is already in?
@MsLoveLiLi (this was her idea)
@DanniWrites (ME)
@DavidLPatrick
@KeilaBee1
@AngelaDowns
@MackleenStories
@CatieJay
@ImInTransit
@Brownvintage
@NicomaVO
@shesasanga
@seximissj
@virtuousgem
@Rahnae
@TheaPatrick
@raiTKing
@mizznelly
@waltward3
@everywrdmatters
@purpleice1981
@kaywhydee
@flawedchristian
@bradpost
@tamarajenel
@sosteen1
Rachel Espinoza
@sandramariecom
@KDenise

…. you’re next on the list….. 🙂

Re-Claiming my goals

So, here is the story. Most of you know that I set out to lose 100 lbs on February 15th,2008. With the help of my amazing trainer (Lori Paris) and GOD, I had lost 80 lbs by Christmas of 2008. I was eating right and working out like crazy (and I loved every minute of it). I managed to keep the weight off and keep working out at a steady pace, but I hit a plateau around January 2009. Without the funds to support it, I had to stop working with my trainer. Then, life happened! I moved to Atlanta in July and was told by Gold’s Gym that my membership would not transfer to Atlanta. I was told that I had to pay $50 to cancel it, and fax some non-sense off to some unknown place…which is something I just didn’t do. I felt like it was just cheaper to have my membership fee come out…until I was in a better financial position. I weighed myself yesterday, and realized I had gained some weight since moving to Atlanta. Though my cloths still fit, I can tell I am not where I was at my lowest (last Christmas). I made a conscious effort to reneew my goals and re-claim my dreams today. Something told me to call the Gold’s Gym in Atlanta, one last time, to see if there wasn’t something I could do (because I HATE walking outside, like I have been doing since I moved here). Come to find out, it’s a simple process and things are being taken care of right now as we speak. A nice man said that he will “work it out” for me today, and he was very excited that I was working toward such a lofty goal. I am headed there in about an hour…(smiles) I feel like I am shaming the devil right now! He tried so hard to keep me down, stress me out, and make me go crazy since I have followed God’s lead to come to Atlanta. I have spent too much time living my life on hold since I have been here…waiting for A to happen before I take care of B, C, and D. Not anymore. I am reclaiming my goals today…starting with this note. This note is an accountability tactic…you are need to hold me accountable to my actions! If you see I am on here..ask me if I have worked out today! Ask me how my eating has been. Ask me if I have lost anything yet this week. You’ll be helping me…trust me! Thanks for reading and as always, thanks for your prayers! Danielle

Devotional, 3rd and final draft

Proverbs 2: 1-6

“My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,

and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

Drowning in Wisdom

A young student was eager to learn the ways of wisdom, and decided to visit Socrates to ask him a burning question. After Socrates answered the door to his home, the student asked, “Teacher,” he said, “how can I gain wisdom and insight, like you?” Without hesitation, Socrates pushed past the boy, through the door, and continued walking down the road toward the local body of water. The student, confused and a bit worried, followed the teacher on this unknown journey. Without pause, Socrates continued to walk into the water until the cool liquid was about waist deep; the loyal student did so as well. Once they both reached a waist-deep point in the water (the student, very wet and very baffled at this point) Socrates turned to face his inquisitive pupil and placed his hands on his shoulders.  Looking questioning into his teacher’s eyes, the young boy was thrust down so that he was completely submerged into the water. The student struggled and struggled, trying to break free from the teacher’s strong grasp. After a few moments, Socrates released the boy. The student sprang to the surface, gasping for breath and looking angry and perplexed. Socrates asked him, “When you were drowning, what was it that you wanted most in that very moment?” The visibly shaken student blurted, “I wanted to breathe.” Socrates, with a wry smile proclaimed, “When you want wisdom and insight as badly as you wanted to breath, it is then you shall have it.”  The teacher turned, and began to walk toward the shore, leaving his pupil there in the water.

As Christians, we are called to continually seek God’s wisdom for all areas of our lives. We are much like the young student who was looking to gain perspective on a pressing issue in his life: we want informed answers.  We lift up prayers for financial miracles, travelling mercies, guidance, and discernment. We seek and pray and fast and yearn, in hopes of having divine revelations that will shine figurative light on our spiritual path. “Lord, should I take this job?” “Father, is it time for me to move to Atlanta?” “Savior, is this relationship rooted in your will or my own?” “Heavenly counselor, how do I know this is of You and not the enemy?” Like the young pupil in the Socrates story, we are constantly seeking God’s discernment in our lives, and in seeking Him, we can sometimes find surprising results.

The word tells us in Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” If this is the faith we are called to have, this blind, un-dying faith, it can also be said that sometimes, God calls us to follow Him through situations that are not glamorous or uplifting. Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Why would the word need to make such a bold statement, if faith was so easy? Why would we be constantly reminded of how important it is to hold on to our faith, if there wasn’t a threat of losing it at some point? Do you think Socrates’ student felt all too faithful as he watched his teacher meander through waist- deep- lake water? I doubt it. Do you think he felt keen about his philosophical leader after he was almost drowned by him? Again, it’s doubtful. Yet, the wisdom this student gained from his teacher was priceless. The journey was scary, and the student had no clue what was going to happen along the way.  At times it probably seemed as though all hope was lost, and his original desire for wisdom was quickly replaced by desires for dry land, direction, and eventually breath.  However, what this young student sought, he found. In asking for wisdom, it was gained. Though his lesson was learned in way he never could have imagined, he got what he asked for.

Do you ever feel this way about your own journey with Christ? Has God ever asked you step so far out in faith that without Him, you would not survive that first step? Have you ever felt as though you were drowning while simply trying to seek answers from the Lord? This is why we are called to such an unrelenting faith; even though the journey will be confusing, God still needs and wants us to press forward with an unfailing love and desire for Him.

In Genesis 12, we read about ‘The Call’ of Abram, whom God renames Abraham.  “The Lord said to Abram,” Leave your country, your people, and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.  I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you I will make your name great and you will be a blessing.” With a covenant like that, it shouldn’t have been a hard decision for Abraham to leave what was familiar to him behind and walk forward in God’s promises. However, once Abraham reaches the land promised by God, he and the people of Israel experience a famine. Interestingly enough we learn from Abraham’s experience that you can be in the will of God and still face increasing turmoil.God knew there would be famine, God knew there would be trouble, yet He still told Abraham to go on this sojourn, knowing He would protect and provide all his needs along the way. This journey did not play out as Abraham probably imagined from his first encounter with the Lord,  in fact, Abraham probably felt as though he was drowning at times. Yet, he continued to pray and seek God’s will and wisdom, because his  faith in and desire for God was greater than his desire for anything else.

Our faith is called upon to be unshaken, unmovable, and unbreakable. We have to seek God, and to run after Him with a desperation that surpasses no other desire in us. The journey of our faith will not always make sense. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed that at times we will feel lost, forsaken, and gasping for breath. In spite of all of that, if we continue to seek Him and do what He wants, the prayers that we petition will be answered in God’s timing. If we ask for wisdom, we will receive it because of how faithful and true God’s word is. We have to keep going in faith and believe God at His word. It is imperative that we keep praying and believing so that God may continue His good work in us.  We are called to follow God through waist deep waters and He needs and wants us to keep going! In short, when we want to follow the will of God as desperately as we need to breathe, it is then we shall have it.

My first devotional

LORD HAVE MERCY! Please read this and tell me your comments on my twitter (@danniwrites) or here. This is my first devotional and I don’t know what I am doing but I have to do this for my Tuesday class. Does it make sense? Be kind! Danni

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Job 14:9-11 (New International Version)

9 yet at the scent of water it will bud
and put forth shoots like a plant.

10 But man dies and is laid low;
he breathes his last and is no more.

11 As water disappears from the sea
or a riverbed becomes parched and dry,

Following God Through Rocky Terrain

A young student was eager was learn the ways of wisdom and decided to visit Socrates to ask him a burning question. After Socrates answered the door to his home, the student asked, “Teacher, how can I gain wisdom and insight, like you?” Without hesitation, Socrates pushed past the boy, through the door, and continued walking down the road toward the local body of water. The student, confused and a bit worried, followed the teacher on this unknown journey. Without pause, Socrates continued to walk into the water until the cool liquid was about waist deep; the loyal student did so as well. Once they both reached this point in the water, Socrates turned to face his student, who was very close behind him, placed his hands on his shoulders, and pushed the young boy down so that his whole body was submerged into the water. The student struggled and struggled, trying to break free from the teacher’s strong grasp. After a few moments, Socrates released the boy. The student sprang to the surface, gasping for breath and looking angry and perplexed. Socrates asked him, “When you were drowning, what was it that you wanted most in that very moment?” Shocked, the student blurted, “I wanted to breathe.” Socrates, with a wry smile proclaimed, “When you want wisdom and insight as badly as you wanted to breath, it is then you shall have it.”  The teacher turned, and began to walk toward the shore, leaving his pupil there in the water.

Often time, we seek God’s wisdom for all areas of our lives. We lift up prayers for financial miracles, travelling mercies, guidance, and discernment. We seek and pray and fast and yearn, in hopes of having divine revelations that will shine figurative light on our spiritual path. “Lord, should I take this job?” “Father, is it time for me to move to Atlanta?” “Savior, is this relationship rooted in your will and not my own?” “Heavenly counselor, how do I know this of You and not the enemy?” Like the young student in the Socrates story, we are constantly seeking God’s wisdom in our lives, and the answer is often surprising.

I prayed and fasted for months after the Lord spoke graduate school into my life. I was confused and felt very alone, as I began taking steps to line up close with God’s will. I asked for wisdom, and insight, and discernment on an hourly basis. I sought pastors, Christian counselors, the Bible, and the Holy Spirit constantly and often still felt confused. There were times when I was brought to my knees, just wanting to know if I could get a little glimpse into what God wanted. Through this process, I learned that our faith doesn’t always work that way.

The word tells us in Hebrews 11 1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. If this is the faith we are called to have, this blind, un-dying faith, it can also be said that sometimes, God calls us to follow Him through some rocky terrain. Galatians 6:9 says this: 9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Why would the word need to make such a bold statement, if faith was so easy? Why would we be constantly reminded of how important it is to hold on to our faith, if there wasn’t a threat of losing it at some point? Do you think Socrates’ student felt all too faithful as he watched his teacher meander through waist deep lake water? I doubt it. Do you think he felt keen about his philosophical leader after he was almost drowned by him? Again, I doubt it. Yet, the wisdom this student gained from his teacher was priceless. The journey was scary, at times seemed as though all hope was lost, but in the end, he was better for it. Do you ever feel this way about your own journey with Christ? Has God ever asked you step so far out in faith that without Him, you would not survive that step? Have you ever felt as though you were drowning while simply trying to seek answers from the Lord?

In Genesis 12, we read about The Call of Abram, whom God renames Abraham.  Verse 1, The Lord said to Abram,” Leave your country, your people, and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you. 2 I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you I will make your name great and you will be a blessing.” With a promise like that, it should have been no hard decision for good old Abe to leave what was familiar to him behind, and walk forward in God’s promises. However, once he reaches the land God sends him to, his first encounter is with a famine. Interestingly enough, we learn from this that you can be smack dab in the will of God, and still face turmoil.

So, our faith is called upon to be finite and unbreakable; our prayers are answered in God’s timing; if we ask for wisdom we will receive the wisdom God knows we need. In short, when we want to follow the will of God as badly as we want breath in our bodies, it is then we shall have it. The road will not always be smooth; road signs might not always be pointing in the right direction; our desires might not line up with God’s will, but in the end if we seek Him and want what He wants, we have to just keep going. We have to just keep praying, believing, and breathing.  We are called to follow God through rocky terrain, we are called to want God like we want the breath in our body, we are called; and that’s the blessing in its self.

Looking Ahead (When your past won’t leave you alone)

I have often been the person who consistently thinks she is missing out on something. Be it, the good time everyone will have without me at the party, or the amazing message at church the one Sunday I miss, or the blessing God planned for me but I messed up too much to receive it. I have lived in Atlanta for a little over a month now, and if I have learned anything about life, it’s that it is PARAMOUNT to always look ahead, regardless of what’s in your rearview window or to the left or right.

This practice is much easier said than done. I should know; I’ve been trying for 25..err, almost 26 years with no success. Why is it that we often think we aren’t getting what is “owed to us” or getting “everything we can” out of a situation simply because we made the choice to do something different? Am I alone in these feelings of “what-ifs”? I never wanted to be a person who didn’t follow her desires, her dreams, her heart. I never wanted to look back on my life and think, “What if I would have done  that differently?” So I have always been that person who DOES, and who IS, and strives for whatever it is my mind and heart are focussed on( with the guidance of the Lord, I hope). But in being this person who DOES, I can’t help but notice I am also the person who asks, “what if I didn’t DO?” What would have happened, or better yet, what am I missing out on by leaving? By moving? By taking that new job? What will happen without me?

Well, I have decided it’s high time I get something straight. The answer to all those questions will always be the same, so here goes:

People will move on. Someone else will take your spot. You will be missed, but life will continue without you. If you would have stayed, you would be worrying about what you missed by staying. You made the right choice. You prayed about this; you fasted! You consulted God daily and made certain you were living in His will and not your own. You have hit some road blocks, but guess what? This is not the worst situation you will ever be in, and you are NOT alone. God has been with you this entire time and He has no plans of leaving you -EVER.  Keep praying; keep seeking God, keep reading your word and don’t lose faith. With out faith you have nothing. You are just a girl, with a bunch of un-answered questions. Now, stop whining. You’re fabulous!

Whew…I didn’t realize I had that in me until I started typing it out. I needed to hear that. Maybe you did too?

Danni

Prayer Overload

So I has an interview schedule yesterday for a part time teaching gig. The lady never showed up. Nice.

I have another interview scheduled Thursday and my heart is beating fast as I think of that person canceling on me as well. Job searching is a lot like dating; you get rejected, you eat (sugar-free) ice cream, you try it all over again until ONE person accepts you (and all your flaws) and you begin forming a union together. Well on both accounts, I am REAAADAAAy to start forming that union.

I have experienced more, prayer more, cried more in the short month I have lived in Atlanta than I have in my entire life. Today I has to laugh at myself because I was repeating a prayer to God and I shook my head at what He might be saying or thinking: ” Goodness girl! You keep calling me asking me the same doggone thing, you ain’t giving me no time to do anything about it! HUSH now; let me work!”

HAH…God if funny…to me. He sounds different in different situations; today, he sounded like my best friend.

Anyway, if you could lift me up in prayer (BC He’s tired of hearing from me) I would appreciate it! This job on Thursday really seems like it would suit me; so I am going to claim the victory and would love you to come in agreement if you can!

Thanks ya’ll!

Danni

My own worst critic (transparent thoughts)

If you know me, and I am assuming most of you don’t, then you know that I am personally my own worst critic. Most people say these words without truly knowing what they mean; therefore, not truly meaning it. But to display the degree to which I judge myself for my avid reader(s), let me put it this way: I would throw ME under the perverbial bus.

HAHA, not really! It’s not THAT bad, but it is bad. I am SO hard myself and it disgusts and motivates me all at the same time. It’s this trait of my personallity that caused me to lose 80lbs recently; and that also causes me stress and fright when I don’t get in the proper workouts or eat right. I am haunted by all that I feel I need to be doing, and am not doing. I don’t feel fruitful or worthy of breathing air if I am not physically giving back to society and the world.

I say this because I am personally struggling with the fact that I quit my job in Jacksonville and am now living in Atlanta working at a coffee house with a 21 yr old manager who reprimanded me today…and I can’t help but scream, “What the H was I thinking?”

Today was a low day. I don’t feel like I am giving anything back to the world right now; I feel worthless. I don’t have a “real” job, people continually tell me what the unemployment rate is (like I need a statistic; I am living it), and my desire and drive to be physically working and doing something is eating me up inside as I blend lattes and brew house coffee. I don’t feel like I matter at a coffee house. I don’t feel like I matter in Atlanta; not yet, anyway.

Even as I type this blog I know that my words are foolish, meaningless, blabber that is only being feuled by the enemy of my soul who wants nothing more than for me to regret my decision to follow Christ and make a move to Atlanta based solely on faith. I know God hasn’t left me; I know he has plans for my life beyond my imagination. And yet, today, I feel like my life is a puzzle board with a lot of scattered and missing peices, whereas in Jacksonville the puzzle was almost completely together. Does that make sense?

I find it hard to believe that I am so unskilled and unhireable that I have sent my information(resume, cover letter, and 4 letters of recommendation) to over 160 businesses, schools, universities and still haven’t been hired somewhere. I know God is holding out on something; I have a strong feeling that He has something waiting for me. My only concern is how much longer I can wait. How many more jobs do I need to apply for? How many more days will come to me where I feel worthless, useless, unimportant in the working world?

I don’t want to sound whiney or ungrateful; please know I thank God everyday for what I do have. Today, I was just forced to examine my life and I feel a little left behind, if you will. I feel like there is more I can be doing in this world. I feel…I need to continue to pray.

Thanks for reading.
Danni

Nothing can separate

Just got home from passing water to the homeless in downtown Atlanta. I have to admit, it’s always a humbling experience when serving the Lord’s people who are less fortunate, but for some reason, my eyes were REALLY opened this evening when I was walking around downtown Atlanta and realizing that NOTHING separates-the person with water-and them-the people without.

I have done NOTHING to deserve the roof over my head; my abilities are few, my praise is always lacking, and yet God continues to provide for me daily. I fret about he fact that I don’t have a “real” job right now but in truth; isn’t my God big enough to provide? One week ago I received a financial miracle that blows my mind, and yet each day I continually wake up soaked in a sweat of fear; fear that another day will go by and I won’t have the job I was hoping for.

I think about these men and woman who are lining the streets of Atlanta. They were like me; looking for a job, living in a house or apartment; average. There is nothing that separates us; I could be them. And thinking about that makes me feel a variable of emotions: fear, praise, confusion, dedication, admiration.

In the end, my feelings mean nothing if I am not continually going to God. For some reason, only known to Him, He loves us unconditionally. He loves me unconditionally. Nothing can separate me from that love.

I don’t even know if this entry is making sense to anyone other than me; but I feel like God was speaking to me tonight. Maybe I need to wrap my mind around these thoughts before I type them up, but I made a decision to make myself more transparent (as I typically remain very private). So here are my thoughts; raw, unplugged, if you will. It’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe more later…maybe not.

HAH, thanks for reading. Be blessed!

Danni

Vacation….from Facebook

It  has come to my attention that the more I explore the pages of facebook, I more down I become. I don’t know it’s because I see SO many engagements on a daily basis, or because as I sit semi-jobless in a new town, I feel insignificant. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am in the right place; I know I followed my heart and God’s guidance; I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others-EVER. What I also know is that I am a realist; it’s only natural for me to have and express the desires God placed in my heart as his daughter. Therefore, it’s only  natural for me to feel a little slighted, left-out, alone when I see what seems like the rest of the world pairing up.

Do I want to be married? Of course. Am I willing to sacrifice what I want in the long run for what I desire right now? Absolutely…NOT. I will not settle for just anyone, and I think this is a major reason why I am still alone. God has placed a mandate on my life, and has, for some insane reason, chosen me to do some pretty incredible things with some pretty incredible man by my side. And while I ache for that love it seems a lot of others have found, I am willing and able to wait as long as it takes (of Lord, that scared me to type  that sentence!) But seriously, it wouldn’t be worth it for me to say “yes” to the next guy just so I could post pictures on facebook and change my relationship status. It’s not worth throwing away my future just to get some comments about “how happy” everyone is for me.

I don’t say all this to put those people down who are getting engaged; I am SO happy for my friends who have true love and who are engaged or married to the person God planned for them. I say all this to help myself make sense of my emotions. I am just trying to figure out why all my male friends who look at facebook are seemingly unphased by the engagement announcements, while each one hits me like a knife. Is it a sex difference? Or is it just me? Regardless of the answer, I have made a firm decision to express love for myself, and avoid FB for a bit; at least until I can make sense of my feelings about it all.

Hoping I am not crazy,

Danni 🙂