When I was going through a very painful breakup, I felt as though God was the closest He has ever been to me. I should say, I was the closest I have ever been to God (he never disipates in His closeness to us). I remember actually crying one day at how GOOD His presence felt: I was regularly overwhelmed with how content HE alone made me feel. It was a bitter-sweet time I remember desperately wanting to escape because of the pain of human loss. However, when I think back to that time, the sweetness of God’s constant presence far outweighed the burden of a broken heart. I just didn’t understand that at the time.
Now, I am contemplating how to experience God’s sweet presence in a different season. I know our GOd is one who moves forward, not one to have us looking back with longing, so I know He isn’t asking me to go back to that particular place of brokeness, but I wonder, how do I enjoy His closeness when I don’t feel so desperate for it?
In a new season, I must learn new rythms. I can’t help but question the beat and tempo of this particular time in my life. I miss the desperation I felt for God to heal me, but I do not miss the physical pain of brokeness. I miss knowing I could not make it through a single day without Him, but I do not miss questioning if I could make it through the pain. I miss the times I ran toward God with wreckless abandon, but I do not miss the endless tears. In all of this, what I miss most is my friend. I m not connecting with Him in the sam way as I was then. I know He is the same. I know He is here with me. I just don’t know what our relationship looks like in this new season.
New season, new rythms. I want to dance to the beat of His song, and because I know He is faithful, I know He will lead me to His arms. When I seek Him, I always find Him. And in Him, I find HOPE.