I type this post from my brand new laptop! Well, it’s new to me!
Last week I posted that I was need of a new laptop as my ancient gem passed away without warning and I found myself desperate to start blogging again. The irony of timing always baffles me. But, God is never surprised.
My friend Jenny Harwood reached out to me and offered he family’s laptop as a gift, an investment in my writing future, if you will. And I gladly accepted! So this post is in honor of the Harwoods! Thank you Jordan and Jenny!! Your kind and generous gesture has reminded me, in a very difficult time, that God always provides! I am glad you let Him use you this time!
As I mentioned, I find myself in a very difficult time. Sparing details that just don’t need to be shared, I find myself in a stage of life I never thought I would return to. I had images of what my life was going to look like in a year, two years from now, and that cloud of hope and promise has, in a way, vanished. And the person who I imagined would be living that life with me, is gone. And so, my heart is heavy as I type this post. I am not happy. I am not okay. I am not sure what my future now holds. I am, indeed, very sad.
I am having a hard time holding on hope, as it were. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around HOW or WHY this is happening, and I am not actually sure I ever will (that’s a lie- I WILL I just can’t see it now through the pain). Though I made the decisions that lead me to this place, I am not fully happy with them. I don’t like this kind of loss or pain. I want to remove it. But I know that I can’t. And so here I am.
I am typing from a laptop that wasn’t mine a few hours ago. I didn’t have a laptop a few weeks ago. I am staring at a screen I never knew I would have…but God knew. He knew exactly where I would be, what I would be doing, and how I would feel at this very moment. And He also sees and knows my future. I do not. if I can be honest, I would tell you my future looks and feel pretty BLEAK right now. But God doesn’t see it that way. And His provision spans far past my pain and limited scope. And I am going to do my best to hold on to that. It’s just not going to be easy.
This isn’t a pretty post. I may not even be making sense, and I can tell you right now I am certainly not going to go back and edit any mistakes. Let them exist. It’s okay to have mistakes or be wrong or think something that never actually happens. It’s all okay. Because God is bigger than any of it. And I just have to remember that, especially when it doesn’t feel like that could be possible anymore.