I have heard from many parents that when they discipline their children it hurts the parent more than the child. I don’t know if this is all together true for all parents, but I can’t imagine how any person could feel worse than one does when being reprimanded.
The theme of this week for me is discipline, and it hurts more than my words can express. I feel lonely, I feel like a fool, and I feel absolutely uncomfortable in my flesh. I find myself completely questioning whether or not I am even cut out for human interaction at certain moments, and then the next moment I crave companionship with a peer or friend. I am an emotional mess.
I have made a fool of myself this week by showing out to now two co-workers by being short and sassy for no other reason than my own personal issues and insecurities. I have gotten upset and defensive with people who I love (and who love me) because of something that only I can take care (by allowing God to take care of it). I have made two people upset with me, and one of them is not talking to me currently. I have apologized and sought wise counsel on how to resolve the issue, but it’s really up to God’s timing now.
And in the midst of me being an idiot, I get awarded Employee of the Quarter yesterday. Seriously, God? An award for the woman who can’t seem to manage her mouth this week who is spewing insecurities all over the place every time she breathes?
I had to think about this though. Wouldn’t it make complete sense that in a moment where I feel completely inadequate and totally foolish, God would step in and make Himself known? To me, that award speaks volumes of his steadfast love and unearned mercy and grace. If I was awarded that honor on a day that I felt particularly deserving of it, would I have fully given the glory to God? Would I have been able to see that all good things come from above, and not taken any credit for winning that award on my own? I doubt it. The timing was absolutely perfect. He let me see that nothing I do can earn His favor, and nothing I do can make me lose His love. It’s all about HIM, and not Danni. That’s a hard lesson to keep learning.
In the end, I doubt this will be the last time I put my foot in my mouth. I doubt this will be the last time I say something to anger a loved one. I doubt this will be the last time I feel uncomfortable in my skin. But I hope all of this discipline will get me to a place where I don’t feel so off kilter when I do mess up. I have an unshakeable foundation in the Lord, and if He isn’t going to change, my foundation isn’t going to change, even if the weather does.