I have long desired someone (preferably a special someone) to pique my interest in J.R.R.Tolkien’s work. As an English teacher, I find it a source of embarrassment that I do not understand, or find particularly interesting, the Lord of the Rings movies or texts. I have been waiting for someone to come along and show me, through his passion of the subject matter, what I have been so foolishly missing.
This may sound silly, but I don’t care. Tolken isn’t someone I will seek an interest in on my own. So if I die never knowing his greatness, that’s fine. I am simply open to someone shedding light on the subject matter. Plus, those movies confuse me and I want someone patient to walk me through some of the content. What a perfect date night! (LOL)
It is for this reason I was very excited when the man I was dating made plans with me last month to see the midnight premiere of The Hobbit. The relationship is now over, but the plans were still left on the table, since our friendship is still in tact. The premiere is at midnight tonight. And at midnight tonight, I will be asleep.
I had to make a very (in my opinion) tough decision this week. I know I will keep this man in my life as a friends; I have no doubt of it. He is a wonderful man who I admire and count blessed to know. However, a mourning period is needed whenever there is a hope deferred. And the continuation of our relationship as friends fully depends on me being able to process ALL of my feelings about what is and what could have been. Even the messy and sad ones.
So when asked if we could still see the movie together tonight, my heart wanted to say “yes!” 100 times. Because I want to spend time with him. I want to see the movie. I want movie popcorn! But I had following my mind on this one and say “No. I just can’t right now.” And my heart isn’t too happy about that choice.
Let’s be honest though: this event was originally set up as a date, with certain expectations and hopes in mind (from both parties, I imagine). Those expectations and hopes are gone. And I can honestly say I don’t trust my judgment if I was to actually go. My mind would be reeling with hopes that this time together would change his mind or make him see the err in his decision. Or I would be brooding about the fact that I am good enough to spend time with now, but not good enough to officially date anymore? And all of this emotional suicide would be happening while I was trying to actually enjoy the movie and understanding the writing of Tolkien would be nearly impossible. Thus, I would continue to live a life of hating him and his confusing plots and characters.
So, in order to save myself the mental anguish of living a life with Tolkien, I will not be seeing the movie with my gentleman friend. And I am very sad about that. So today I need an little extra comfort from My Father. I need a little extra help to make it through. Because I want to be there with him. I want to see this movie with him specifically. But I just can’t. I can’t put myself through that.
I need a little extra time.