Alone

I’ve lived a lot of year alone. Not just single, not just in a dwelling without other people (I have two roommates now); I mean alone.

My family is in Ohio. I don’t have local blood relatives. When I wake up and go to sleep I am the only one who knows. When I am sick, I have plenty of wonderful friends to call on. But I can’t but feeling this world is a cold cold place sometimes when you don’t have family.

Now I’ve made a family for myself in my friends, church members, and co-workers. I have people I know love me and who I could call on at all hours of the night for help. But in times of uncertainty and pain, I still feel like something is missing.

I write this post from a wheelchair in the hospital. I injured my left foot last night playing suds football (don’t ask) and today I am unable to walk. I usually don’t run to the doctor’s, but I know something is wrong and I stubbornly made my way here.

I drove myself. I had to call security to wheel me in to the emergency room and repeatedly tell them I was “alone” and unable to walk in. My emergency contact is my mother Who is 1000 miles away. Nothing like an injury to bring out pain far deeper than the flesh. And as I sit here waiting to find out when I’ll be able to go to spin class again, I feel an emptiness with me.

The chair next to me is empty, and could easily be filled by a husband. No one is here with me to grab me a drink if I want one, or to ask me if I am “okay”. It’s just me. Like it has been for so many events in my life. And today I hurt more than usual thinking about this.

I had to get this off my chest somehow. Someone, somewhere is reading this and knows what I am feeling. So I am not fully alone. I also know God is with me. I feel his presence for sure. I just feel the lack of my husband’s presence a little more….

So many events without him.

Looking forward to the many in the future WITH him.