I’ve lived a lot of year alone. Not just single, not just in a dwelling without other people (I have two roommates now); I mean alone.

My family is in Ohio. I don’t have local blood relatives. When I wake up and go to sleep I am the only one who knows. When I am sick, I have plenty of wonderful friends to call on. But I can’t but feeling this world is a cold cold place sometimes when you don’t have family.

Now I’ve made a family for myself in my friends, church members, and co-workers. I have people I know love me and who I could call on at all hours of the night for help. But in times of uncertainty and pain, I still feel like something is missing.

I write this post from a wheelchair in the hospital. I injured my left foot last night playing suds football (don’t ask) and today I am unable to walk. I usually don’t run to the doctor’s, but I know something is wrong and I stubbornly made my way here.

I drove myself. I had to call security to wheel me in to the emergency room and repeatedly tell them I was “alone” and unable to walk in. My emergency contact is my mother Who is 1000 miles away. Nothing like an injury to bring out pain far deeper than the flesh. And as I sit here waiting to find out when I’ll be able to go to spin class again, I feel an emptiness with me.

The chair next to me is empty, and could easily be filled by a husband. No one is here with me to grab me a drink if I want one, or to ask me if I am “okay”. It’s just me. Like it has been for so many events in my life. And today I hurt more than usual thinking about this.

I had to get this off my chest somehow. Someone, somewhere is reading this and knows what I am feeling. So I am not fully alone. I also know God is with me. I feel his presence for sure. I just feel the lack of my husband’s presence a little more….

So many events without him.

Looking forward to the many in the future WITH him.

Love Notes from God

I recently re-watched Bruce Almighty, and fell in love all over again with the fun-loving plot. It’s fun to see Hollywood play around with the idea of God and actually get some stuff correct.

This time while watching, I noticed something that hadn’t affected me in previous viewings. I feel peace that this new found revelation is a special gift from God to me.

You see, I’ve been struggling with the concept of trusting God’s love. I accept that He love me (why wouldn’t I) but I struggle to believe that love is always going to be there. It seems so simple to think that His love could easily disappear, like the love of people tends to do. But through the reading of my word, I’ve discovered that He makes some pretty heavy promises to His children.

For example, check out this one:

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32 ESV)

How cool is that? A promise that God, who gave the biggest sacrifice (His son) will not withhold anything from us. It’s like saying, I gave you the most expensive mansion. Why wouldn’t I give you furniture to put in it?

Man. That’s hard to debate when you think about it. We stress about so much, but God promises to provide each day if we place our faith in Him. That’s a love we can’t easily understand.

So as I’m watching Bruce Almighty, the protagonist asks God how he can make someone love him without affecting free will. The actor playing God laughs and says, “Son, if you can figure that out, let me know.” Bruce, the protagonist who has inherited God’s powers, proceeds to try everything within his power to convince his long-time girlfriend to forgive him. Any man can do this, and often does when found in the metaphoric dog house. But what really hit me was the scene where his girl friend was running and she saw their names written (inside of a heart) on every tree she passed on her jog. Picture that for a second. Your name. Inside of a heart. With A plus sign and the word God.

Pretty powerful, huh?

That’s the connection I made while watching the movie. Doesn’t God do this every day to us? For me, He writes love notes in the sun rises. He professes his deduction to me in the cool breeze that hits my face on the morning drive to work. He reaffirms me in the smell of sweat roses sitting on my desk. His pursuit of me I palpable, and I can’t help but think its high time I surrender to his persistent call and accept that He isn’t going anywhere. The lover of my soul wants me for an eternity, and he secured my spot by sending His Son to pay the necessary debt to make that happen. No price too high for him to get the chance to love me for eternity. Oh. My. Goodness.

That’s powerful.

So how do you convince someone to love you without affecting free will?

Apparently you never stop finding ways to show her how far you’re willing to go to captivate her heart.