In the last week I have closed on my first home, gotten food poisoning, moved, and faced a number of homeowner adventures. I have met new people along the way, and old friends have stepped up and truly blessed me with support, help, and love. Through it all, I can’t help but admit I have felt incredibly empty, but mostly, lonely.
It’s odd, I know. In truth, I have socialized and interacted with so many people in the past week! I have been blessed by so many near and dear friends. But for some strange reason, the emotion that keeps peaking up at the end of the day is loneliness. I equate it to a person who just lost a loved on: he or she is surrounded by people for about a week, but when the funeral is over and the dead is buried, they are left completely alone to pick up the pieces and mire forward in their new surroundings. That’s a little bit like how I feel right now.
I own a home now. It’s daunting to think that there is no line of defense between myself and disaster. I own this place, so anything that goes wrong I have to fix. Like the AC that didn’t work last week; I couldn’t call a landlord. I am the landlord! And yes, this is what I prayed for and trusted God for, so it’s not like I unexpectedly got a house (unlike my previous metaphor of losing a loved one; that can usually happen unexpectedly). I asked for this, and yet, my emotions feel fried! As excited as I am about this new adventure, I feel overloaded with negative emotions like fear and anxiety and again, loneliness.
I know and trust these feelings are temporary, and just a result of spiritual attack combined with a major life event. I just needed to get all this out there; sort of vent in the hopes that by confessing it, I am one step closer to getting through it. I know God is my source, and I am never truly alone. I welcome HIM into this house, and ask HIM to keep me company as I adjust to my new surroundings.