A little over a year ago, I told my male best friends I was in love with him. I had accidentally caught feelings (as if it’s disease) for him, and since he was seriously dating someone at the time, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me to carry on with the friendship. For her. For him. And for me. From that day to this one, our relationship has never been (and will never be) the same. It wont. And it can’t.
I’ve spent this time missing my friend; my heart has literally hurt over the loss of his presence in my life. It was very much like a break up on my end. I resented the fact that he had her to cling to, and didn’t have to spend time mourning my absence. I resented the fact that he “chose” her over me, and often (okay very often) joked that it was because she was skinnier than me, and for no other reason. I hated him for being able to confide in her and enjoy life with her, while I was sitting on my couch some nights crying my eyes out about the void left in my heart. In short, I was angry with the whole situation.
As my heart has had time to heal, I’ve slowly seen changes in the way I look at the outcome of our once-inseparable bond. However, it wasn’t until today that I was actually able to smile at the situation and for the first time EVER, be happy for him. My friend reconnected with a girl he loved from afar in high school. He couldn’t date her because he was in another relationship and she was “just a friend” to him, but she had his heart from day one, I imagine. They reconnected almost ten years later on Facebook, and started dating instantly. Me, as the friend who didn’t get “picked” originally resented this relationship and all that it stood for. I thought they were insane and holding on to feelings that didn’t exist anymore. But today I had a thought.
They’ve been together for over two years now (might even be engaged by now), so there has to be some legitimate connection there. And, more importantly, my friend is happy. He has to be; he isn’t the type to stick around if he isn’t. So, instead of begrudging the whole thing and wishing it was me, today I smiled for a minute and honestly thought, “Good for him! It’s about time he has a woman return the love he is able to give.”
And he may never know I’ve arrived at this juncture; he may not ever need to know. What warms my hear the most is the deep work God is doing inside of me that allowed me to have this thought today. It never would have happened if left to my own devices, I can assure you of this. But God….
So, I am happy for them both. They found each other after all of these years, and they can finally express the love and admiration I am sure they had and hid over ten years ago. What an awesome feeling that must be.