On a whim, I decided to go to Jacksonville on Wednesday, and God blessed me while I was there. I got a chance to spend quality time with two very important men, and catching up with them did wonders for my soul. We were able to be transparent about our struggles in life and relationships and glean from one another’s experiences. We shared good food and good laughs, and I remembered why I called these men friends in the first place. Alex and Nate were truly a refreshing reminder of how people can still be counted as important to you, even if they live in a different area code, and even if your communication isn’t as regular as you would like it. I am more than thankful for the short time I got to spend with them, and I am excited to see how God grows each of us as we continue to walk with Him.
I also visited my old co-workers at the school I started teaching at and had student cry when she saw me. In short, I really felt loved in Jacksonville. Which is ironic, to say the least, since I believe I left my heart in that city when I moved away a year and a half ago.
I am going to be very transparent here, since there is no reason for me not to be. I have divulged my genuine thoughts on this page many times, but this time is going to be the most difficult. Intimate matters of the heart are painful to discuss, especially when situations don’t play out like you think they should or could.
My best friend for two years was an awesome gentleman who lives in Jacksonville. He and I formed a great bond, and he truly showed me what a real consistent friend was like. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each other’s company very much. At one point, this person was the closest person to me on the planet. We were platonic friends, and I am not very clear as to whether he ever had genuine feelings for me on any higher level than friendship. After moving to Atlanta, I realized that I did have feelings for him, and I have been wrestling with them ever since. I expressed my feelings to him almost a year ago, and as far as I know, he is still with his girlfriend (maybe now fiance). I am not going to lie and say that I am happy about this. I WANT to be happy for him, I genuinely do. But mostly, I identify with feelings of pain, frustration, betrayal, and denial. I also won’t lie and say that I haven’t honestly wished he would call one day and say that he reciprocates my feelings and wants to be with me. Let’s be honest; I think at some point every woman has that fantasy.
But that’s exactly what it is: a fantasy. In truth, I have been waiting around, even when I said I wasn’t. I have been crying useless tears and wishing for a vain fantasy to come true, and I have wasted time. He is not a waste, so please know that is not what I am saying. What is wasted in the time I should have been spending accepting the truth and moving forward with new activities and adventures. There is no day like today to begin.
So when I drove away from Jacksonville, I left with my heart this time. I left feeling revived and energized and ready to take on this season of transition that God has revealed to me. I am almost certain that not one day will go by that I don’t miss my friend. My heart aches at the loss of our friendship, and I don’t know if God will allow that relationship to ever be repaired or healed. I often find myself thinking of something funny and knowing only he will get it, and I want to call him, but I realize I can’t. I can’t open that door because it’s not healthy for me to have unwarranted expectations, and it’s not healthy for him to fear anything he says might lead me on. I miss my friend. I can’t deny that. More importantly, though, I miss ME. I miss the me that socialized and got out! I miss the me that knew movies weren’t reality and sometimes the leading lady doesn’t end up with the guy she thinks is for her. I miss the me that IS me. It’s high time she make a comeback.
So, readers, I introduce you to Danielle. She’s back, and I think it’s safe to say she is here to stay.