It hit me today that I have been torturing myself for years now, simply because of my fear. I have allowed people into my life who should have never had a place, and I have entertained situations that should have never happened. I have wasted time worrying about, and putting energy into people who weren’t ever supposed to know my name. I have avoided tough questions, and dodged struggles, all because I am afraid of being ALONE.
Solitude. Silence. Emptiness.
And now that I have chosen to face my fears, and allow God to build up the muscles within my spiritual being, I am staring loneliness in the face, and I can honestly say that though I am very much afraid, I feel joy. This joy doesn’t come from my flesh, which is saddened and weak. This joy comes from my spirit, which knows that in allowing healing to happen in this area of my life, I am also allowing God into deeper places within me; places I have yet to examine myself.
And so, I don’t want to fear this silence; I don’t want to run from this solitude. If I want to survive (if I want to be emotionally healthy and ready for my marriage), I have got to face this head on. I have to got to stand firm on my Savior, and allow the tears to fall, my heart to ache, and the mind to grieve. I have got to accept whatever comes during this time, knowing that God is my portion, that no person on this earth can fill the gap within me, and that in the quiet moments I will face, I have God right next to me, firmly holding my hand. In truth, we never really need anything else. God is enough, and for the first time in my life, I am ready to understand what this truly means.