As I journey through this fast with God, I am realizing just how much I am concerned with how other people view me. This is hard to accept and even harder to admit. I don’t know why, but I very much enjoy when other people validate what I already know to be true (concerning my looks, my personality, my faith). I dispise this need for external vindication; I pray daily that God equips me with the ability to love myself unconditionally, void of the oppinions of others. I know for sure these prayer are being answered, as I have come a long way. What concerns me now is that I desperately want to know my beauty through Christ, and Christ alone, but the temptation to be concerned with man’s image of me is always present.
So, I cut off most of my hair yesterday. Don’t confuse this with a drastic measure or need for attention. My intentions were 100% pure and self-satisfying. I have been debating this BC (Big Chop) for months now. I have been going back and forth trying to find the strength to just DO IT already! I have made solid choices to do it and not to do it. I have convinced myself that it would be foolish, I have convinced myself that it would be wonderful. Yesterday, I turned off my internal dialogue and just cut. And in cutting, I feel as though I symbolically stripped away everything that I am NOT and began to reveal everything that I AM. I finally know what I look like as a natural African Italian beauty. I am actually able to see what my hair looks like in it’s original form, and the vision of who I am as God initially created me takes my breath away. THIS is me? Really? I feel blessed and loved and whole, partially for the very first time. I feel like I have an opportunity to fall in love with the ME God sees me as, and I don’t want to forsake this chance I have been given. I feel like for the first time ever I can walk in confidence, knowing that I am not wearing a wig or sporting some fake extension of my true selfe. I am finally ME.
So, the journey continues. As I seek to love the ME that God loves, I am sure pit falls and distractions will be nipping at my heels. As I venture into an appreciation of my true self, I am certain some variable of lies will be thrown my way. As a matter of fact, my first period class has already made it very clear that they don’t approve of my new look. Thank GOD it doesn’t really matter what THEY think! As I continue on this quest, Psalm 35 gives me strength. Especially verse 3b,
Say to my soul,
“I am your salvation.”
Yes Lord, speak truths to my soul! Tell me who you say I AM so loudly that what the world says I cannot hear.
May the Lord protect and keep you always!