It’s official: I am having a hair crisis! I wish I could firmly stick to Ms. Arie’ s words and truly embrace that “I am not my hair,” but I find myself completely dissatisfied with how I look from the neck up. Well, let me clarify: I like my face and the features God has blessed me with, but this hair has got to go (or grow, whichever looks best).
I need to find my hair identity. I have been searching for 26 years with no luck. My mother put a relaxer in when I was 11, so she says (but I honestly swear it was really like when I was 4). I have had a chemical perm on my head for as long as I can remember. My dad made me get it cut short when I was 12, I went through a mushroom/bowl cut phase, I’ve had weave sown and glued in, worn a wig, put in highlights and even colored it once. In short, my hair has seen more products than Walmart.
I decided that going natural might be something I could do. Upon moving to Atlanta this summer, I’ve met several black women who allow their hair to exist in it’s natural state: free from chemical straightening. I am all for whatever is most healthy and natural for my head, but I am 100% struggling with the way it looks right now (and has looked for the past couple of months). I thought cutting it shorter would be helpful, but I was wrong. My bangs don’t look right around my face and my thick hair is just not cooperative. As a matter of fact, I would fire it if it was an employee of mine. Sadly, it’s not.
I just want a solution. I just want to find out what my identity is with my hair. Not saying that my hair identifies me, but I want to identify with it. I want to look in the mirror and adore the way the follicles are styled. I want people to see my hair style and smile, knowing it looks pleasing on my face and “fits me.” You know how you have that one outfit that is your “knockout” get-up that when you wear it you feel most like “you”? For some of you it might be your sexiest dress or your robe! Whatever it is, when you wear it you feel like you’re real, you know? I my hair to give me that feeling. I want my hair to add to what my face already says: “wow, she’s beautiful!”
I still entertain thoughts of cutting it very very short, as I love the way my face looks void of hair around it. It truly accentuates my natural beauty. I don’t know what to do though….praying for clarity.
Until next time,