“You Don’t Trust Me.”

These sad words rang in my ear this morning at around 6. I was rolling over to snuggle a little closer to my bank of pillows, when I heard this plea from God; ” You Don’t Trust Me.” I was confused at first, then angered. “What do You mean I don’t trust You? I’ve given up my life for You! I am following the steps you set out for me to the best of my knowledge and sure, I mess up sometimes, but geez! I trust you!” I then proceeded to roll over and fall asleep for another 45 minutes. I thought the conversation was over at that point.

It’s comical how very often I am wrong.

As I was driving to work this morning, I heard those daunting words again; “You don’t trust me!” This time, I was was listening; this time, God had the full attention. I was curious as to what My Creator was trying to communicate to me, so I listened.

“You don’t trust Me to protect you, and you certainly don’t trust me with your finances as much as you think you do. You don’t think I am enough to satisfy you, and you live in fear of the things you have no control over. You obsess over wordly things, only to find that you can’t afford them, then you get greedy. You don’t turn me enough for answers, though you think you do. You don’t know me well enough to know My will or My heart, and you need to stop running and just accept the fact that if you want what I have planned for you, you’re going to have to trust me completely, and not this 50% mess. Yes, you’ve done some great things in My Name and for My Kingdom, and yes, you are on course, but daughter, there is SO much more I need and want to do with and through you and this whole trust issue is really getting in My way. Let me be God; Let me show you what Love really is. Let me breathe Life into you that you’ve never imagined. Stop faking it; Let me REALLY be in control.”

I didn’t want to share this with you, readers. I honestly don’t think I have ever been more transparent. However, I realize that if I am going to take even bigger steps closer to God, I am going to need to be even more honest with myself and with those around me. My God doesn’t reside in secret or seclusion, so neither should His message.

I have to be true and genuine here; I am terrified. I truly thought I trusted God “enough.” I thought I was doing “enough.” But what is enough? My definition of enough isn’t God’s, and for that matter, does God ever think there is “enough”? I would venture that the answer is no. God will always ask for more because God knows what we can handle. And right now, the Author of Life is ready to get more from me, and it’s time I stop running and simply say,

“I am ready, God. Show me how to truly trust You.”

Incoming Call from…God

I arrived home tonight to find that my cell phone didn’t make the journey with me. I left my phone on campus. What’s funny is that while I was packing my bags into my car, I was thinking that I should grab my phone as that is what I usually do. I decided that I wouldn’t so this, as the drive home is short and I wanted to reflect upon the teachings of my enlightened professor.

Bad move.

….or was it?

I didn’t instantly freak out when I got home. Instead, I got angry and told God that I refused to believe that this was happening. I wasn’t upset with God; I was upset with the situation. I told My Creator that I wouldn’t accept the fact that this phone was being taken away from me. I have had so many (what I thought was important) things stolen from me in the past year, I didn’t want to believe that this, too, was gone.

In logging onto my computer, I found an email from my frantic mother who received a phone call from the person who (THANK GOD) found my phone. She was shaken by the call, but I was joyous of the fact that someone, indeed, had found that which was briefly lost. Before reading this email I told God, “I know you have and WILL restore that which has been taken from me.” I know my phone wasn’t stolen, but it was lost. And the point here is that I didn’t pray, ” God, PLEASE bring my phone back,” or “Lord, can you make this go away?” Instead, I told God, “I trust You; I know You will come through on Your Word; I believe in You in all circumstances.”

Though the phone still isn’t in my hand, and that feeling is weird, I am comforted by something else in this situation. I instantly wanted to get on facebook and twitter and see if I could get the “world” to help me find my phone. I thought, maybe I could just get on quickly and use it to help me, even though I am still fasting from both media outlets. I had to check myself and these thoughts. I was actually going to tell My Provider that I didn’t think the provisions offered by God were enough. In breaking my fast I would have said to the Lord, “You can’t sustain me; I need that cell phone more than I need You.” This isn’t a sentence I want My Source to ever hear coming from my lips.

In addition, I feel as though God has something major to say to me. In this moment, I can’t use facebook, or twitter, and I don’t have a cellphone to distract me. I genuinely have known God to put me (and others) in this uncomfortable situations when the Author of Life wants to speak and breathe Divine Truth. I am ready to hear whatever God has to say, but please, if you’re reading this, pray for me. Who knows if this message will be one I enjoy. All I know is that He wants me to listen….the Words that follow can’t be predicted by me.

Okay Lord, I am listening.


Humbling Hurts

It’s absolutely painful to be placed in the middle of a humbling experience. It’s my own fault; I prayed for this.

I know what you’re thinking: who prays for pain? Well, if you read and study your Word, you know that God calls us to constantly seek His Will and not our own. This Will of God, the God I serve, doesn’t always put me in comfortable situations. As a matter of fact, I have been in more awkward, painful, nasty situations as a believer in Christ than I ever was as a person of the world. In short, following God can be a painful (sometimes bloody) journey.

I am forced to think about a few recent situations in my life (some of which I am still walking through) in which God has called me to be humbled and brought down to a level of truth, where I am NOT “miss thang.”

One such situation happened Friday when I opened my mouth at work and spoke hurtful words to some of my colleagues. I spoke out of anger, fully motivated by my foolish pride, and I regretted what I said instantly. I immediately apologized for my words, but the damage was done. God used this situation to teach me that I don’t know and can’t do anything void of Him. In knowing this, and also learning it continually, I have decided to change the way that I interact with people. If I am imperfect, that means that others are too. If others are imperfect, their judgment of me shouldn’t carry so much weight. In the same manner, my judgment of others shouldn’t happen so regularly, since my imperfect behind is no better than anyone.

Another situation has to do with one of my classes. In short, I think I can teach the class. I even thought about dropping it so I could be present at worship team practice, since I would rather be there. However, God had to reveal to me that this is a test. I have to stick it out; I have to attend every class; I have to respect the authority in charge of the class, as that is the person God has placed in that position and not me. And, though my desires for being present at worship practice on Thursday nights are valid and justified, I have to prove to God that I am willing to cast down my desires to meet His.

This whole growing process is painful and annoying. But, it must be said that the rewards and benefits to following God cannot even be matched by the trials and pains. It’s worth it. It’s all worth it, and for this reason, I can count it all joy because I am trying my best to do what I feel God has called me to do. Last night I thanked God for the pain and the hurtful situations I’ve been in. I think that was the first time I truly understood what it means to “praise Him through the storm.”

It’s raining, but I think I will dance in the drops…

God’s Plan For Your Mate Selection

I couple in my Writing class gave me this Anonymously written piece yesterday night in class. The couple has graciously answered my over-extatic questions when I found out that two had met in class and married on campus 2 years later. I love stories like that! Anyway, here is what they gave me; I pray it touches you as it did me.


Everyone longs to give himself or herself completely to someone, to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and unconditionally.


No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with living loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly with me alone.

I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me; exclusively of anyone or anything else; exclusively of any other desires and longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing; one that you can’t imagine. I want you to have the very best.


Just keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest things. Keep expecting that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.

Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have. Don’t look at the things you want. Just keep looking up to me, or you will miss what I want to give you.

And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection.



2010 Census

What race do you identify with? I mean, if you have to choose (which you do, by the way) what race would you identify with? I, as an interracial woman, identify with being an African American with Caucasian lineage. My mother being white (Italian) and my father being black (African-American) I believe that I am safe in identifying with BOTH races that feed into my personality, my physical appearance, and my being. Though my skin is a delicious carmel color (haha, indeed I do love my God-given hue) I cannot deny that part of who I am stems from my more pale European ancestors.

When I say this to my African-American friends, I truly think some of them frown upon this personal decision to recognize my full heritage. In society, I think it is safe to assume that most people who look at me and think, “she’s black.” This is fine; they are simply stating the color label that society has come to agree with; they aren’t speaking on my race or ethnicity. Black is not a race; it is simply a color. My culture isn’t black. I don’t have “black”traditions. At Christmas, we don’t eat a “black” meal… as a matter of fact, I don’t even know what a black meal is (I am not talking about Soul Food, here people!). I am being honest; people need to know who they are, or they will accept whatever label society gives them. What does it mean to be “black?” Have you ever thought about that? When the Irish and Italians came over to America through Ellis Island, they were classified as black. So, did that have anything to do with the color of their skin, or more to do with what they represented. When someone says you’re black, what does that mean to them?

I guess I am fired up about this topic specifically tonight because of the race options that will appear on the 2010 US Census. People of African decent are given the option of selecting the button that says: “Negro, African-American, or Black.”(see picture above) This is not a correct . These 3 labels are not correctly synonymous, though society may think they are. Again, Negro and Black are colors, not races.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse here. I simply wanted to express some thoughts and let out some steam about the overall confusion and lack of knowledge we have about our cultural identity as African Americans. Maybe you’re reading this and think that I am incorrect, or overanalyzing the situation, but I have tried for too long to know more about my African roots, to no avail. I know everything there is to know about my Italian heritage, but I know very little about my African lineage. I think it’s time we, as a unified race, become more concerned with WHO we are, and less concerned with who people try to label us to be.

Lord, Who Do You Say that I AM?

I did it. I finally did it! I took metal sissors to my head and cut off all my hair. I feel liberated. I feel natural. I feel free. I feel genuinely beautiful. I feel….scared.

As I journey through this fast with God, I am realizing just how much I am concerned with how other people view me. This is hard to accept and even harder to admit. I don’t know why, but I very much enjoy when other people validate what I already know to be true (concerning my looks, my personality, my faith). I dispise this need for external vindication; I pray daily that God equips me with the ability to love myself unconditionally, void of the oppinions of others. I know for sure these prayer are being answered, as I have come a long way. What concerns me now is that I desperately want to know my beauty through Christ, and Christ alone, but the temptation to be concerned with man’s image of me is always present.

So, I cut off most of my hair yesterday. Don’t confuse this with a drastic measure or need for attention. My intentions were 100% pure and self-satisfying. I have been debating this BC (Big Chop) for months now. I have been going back and forth trying to find the strength to just DO IT already! I have made solid choices to do it and not to do it. I have convinced myself that it would be foolish, I have convinced myself that it would be wonderful. Yesterday, I turned off my internal dialogue and just cut. And in cutting, I feel as though I symbolically stripped away everything that I am NOT and began to reveal everything that I AM. I finally know what I look like as a natural African Italian beauty. I am actually able to see what my hair looks like in it’s original form, and the vision of who I am as God initially created me takes my breath away. THIS is me? Really? I feel blessed and loved and whole, partially for the very first time. I feel like I have an opportunity to fall in love with the ME God sees me as, and I don’t want to forsake this chance I have been given. I feel like for the first time ever I can walk in confidence, knowing that I am not wearing a wig or sporting some fake extension of my true selfe. I am finally ME.

So, the journey continues. As I seek to love the ME that God loves, I am sure pit falls and distractions will be nipping at my heels. As I venture into an appreciation of my true self, I am certain some variable of lies will be thrown my way. As a matter of fact, my first period class has already made it very clear that they don’t approve of my new look. Thank GOD it doesn’t really matter what THEY think! As I continue on this quest, Psalm 35 gives me strength. Especially verse 3b,

Say to my soul,
“I am your salvation.”

Yes Lord, speak truths to my soul! Tell me who you say I AM so loudly that what the world says I cannot hear.

May the Lord protect and keep you always!


The Rapture (and your pets)

I am going to be honest here: I cannot stop laughing about this. I was reading the weekly secrets on postsecret and found one to be particularly interesting. Not because the postcard itself was all that jazzy, but instead, because of the comments people left about that postcard. Simple in image and language, the card shows a picture of a black cat with the words “I’m afriad the rapture will come and my pets will be left all alone.” An honest concern, if you ask me. What strikes me as hilarious is the comments that follow, one of which offers this solution:

“Google ‘pets and rapture’ and you’ll find many options.”

I did what the author of that comment told me to do, and I found countless websites posted by “athiests” who offer services to people, post-rapture. Check out these two: http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
and http://www.postrapturepets.com/. If you pay money now, these people will guarentee that your pets are taken care of if you’re raptured during your life time. One of the sites said that you pay $110.00 and their service if offered within 10 years of payment recieved. What happens if that 10 years lapses? I would imagine you pay that fee again.

Am I the only one laughing at this? Not only are so-called athiests making money off of believers, but people are actually falling for this and doing it. Do I think the athiests are lying? No, I would imagine that they probably do provide the services you pay for. What’s funny to me is that if you say you don’t believe, why offer a service that directly caters to an event that is part of the faith system? To make money? To make believers look foolish? To admit that you really do believe?

How many other businesses are out there that offer services like this in the event of the rapture? How much money is being made on this? And what are people really paying for? Peace of mind? Comfort? Satisfaction? Security? I am going to be honest: I have pets but I am telling you right now that I think the LAST thing on my mind when I meet Jesus in the sky is going to be, ” Oh NO! Toby and Simba don’t have food!” Get out of here!

I laugh, but this is serious. What are you willing to believe?


Operating in the Spirit

It is absolutely, nearly 100% impossible to look someone in the face and say “I love you” when they have just expressed vicious hatred toward you. It is so, if you are operating in the flesh. Our flesh is one of the weakest elements that exists in the world. I am not just speaking of the fragility of the the skin here; I am speaking also about the utter lack of control we sometimes have over how our fleshly feelings, emotions, and urges make us feel. This is all well and good, because we are all human and we have feelings and emotions and it’s not our fault if we feel hurt, or hatred, right? Wrong. The Word of God tells us that if we truly want to be followers of Christ we have to separate ourselves from the flesh in order to please God. Romans 8:5-8 details this fact:

“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God‚Äôs law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.”

Though it’s stated here plainly, doing what the Word says is rarely easy. Why is this? Why is it that God calls us to go against our humanly bodies and instead operate in the spirit (Spirit?)? Though this isn’t the state in which He created us (consider the fall of man), He did know we would experience these struggles and that our flesh would be susceptible to such pain. Why then, I ask, does He ask us to rise above? How does He expect us to be able to overcome the desires and urges of the flesh, when it’s SO easy to just give in and get angry, have sex, or hate someone?

I think the answer lies in Jesus. God knew we would have such a hard time alone; he knew that we were slaves to our sinful nature and could not break that bondage without a supernatural force. That force is the Son of man. The blood of Jesus overpowers the blood of man. Meaning, the act of Jesus dying on the Cross was enough power to break through the bondage of the flesh and rise above the earthly body we all have. This is how people are able to say and show “I love you” to someone who is outright mean to them. This is how people are able to deny their flesh and abstain from sexual acts until God blesses them with marriage. This is how people are able to forgive, even when they are still hurting. This is how we can overcome, as believers in Christ. Jesus is our power, and without him we are quite literally helpless.

In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus reprimands his disciples for falling asleep when He requested they stay awake. He reminds them of something that they (and we) should have already known:

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

So, I charge my readers to follow this decree today and everyday. No matter how mature we are in our faith, we must always remember that our flesh is weak and can only be strengthened through prayer, discipline, and the Jesus. He is able, even when we are not!



Hair Identity

It’s official: I am having a hair crisis! I wish I could firmly stick to Ms. Arie’ s words and truly embrace that “I am not my hair,” but I find myself completely dissatisfied with how I look from the neck up. Well, let me clarify: I like my face and the features God has blessed me with, but this hair has got to go (or grow, whichever looks best).

I need to find my hair identity. I have been searching for 26 years with no luck. My mother put a relaxer in when I was 11, so she says (but I honestly swear it was really like when I was 4). I have had a chemical perm on my head for as long as I can remember. My dad made me get it cut short when I was 12, I went through a mushroom/bowl cut phase, I’ve had weave sown and glued in, worn a wig, put in highlights and even colored it once. In short, my hair has seen more products than Walmart.

I decided that going natural might be something I could do. Upon moving to Atlanta this summer, I’ve met several black women who allow their hair to exist in it’s natural state: free from chemical straightening. I am all for whatever is most healthy and natural for my head, but I am 100% struggling with the way it looks right now (and has looked for the past couple of months). I thought cutting it shorter would be helpful, but I was wrong. My bangs don’t look right around my face and my thick hair is just not cooperative. As a matter of fact, I would fire it if it was an employee of mine. Sadly, it’s not.

I just want a solution. I just want to find out what my identity is with my hair. Not saying that my hair identifies me, but I want to identify with it. I want to look in the mirror and adore the way the follicles are styled. I want people to see my hair style and smile, knowing it looks pleasing on my face and “fits me.” You know how you have that one outfit that is your “knockout” get-up that when you wear it you feel most like “you”? For some of you it might be your sexiest dress or your robe! Whatever it is, when you wear it you feel like you’re real, you know? I my hair to give me that feeling. I want my hair to add to what my face already says: “wow, she’s beautiful!”

I still entertain thoughts of cutting it very very short, as I love the way my face looks void of hair around it. It truly accentuates my natural beauty. I don’t know what to do though….praying for clarity.

Until next time,



Last night in my New Testament class a man was praying over the class and he used the word “Master” to refer to God. I don’t know why, and even know after much thought I can’t explain it, but I felt offended by this term. Not that I don’t think God is the Master of all things, the Creator, the Author, the Alpha and the Omega, but it was just odd to hear this man continually say “Master”, as if he was someone’s slave.

My personal feelings about the word probably come from the connotation that American society has for this particular word. There are 35 dictionary definitions of this word, and each of them really has a different meaning of it’s own. Ranging from “someone who is in command of a particular trade to a presiding officer, it is no wonder I have some what strong feelings about this word. But what interests me the most is that definition #15 simply states, ” The Master (in bold), Jesus Christ.” If this definition is in a secular dictionary, why then do I have issues using as a believer in the sovereignty of God? Could it be that I am conditioned by society to think of NO ONE as my master, but to do whatever I can to be a master of other people and things? Maybe it’s because the word is so closely related to bondage and chains in our society and in our history, but in the Kingdom of God it’s the absolute opposite! I am willing to believe that in calling God my Master, I am freed from the chains and bondage of sin, oppression, and the like.

I know for sure is that I feel strongly lead to embrace this word and begin to feel comfortable using it. I want to passionately cry out to the Lord and knowingly call Him Master, without feeling like I am less of a woman, but instead feeling like I am whole because I have accepted His full command. It’s not that I don’t trust the Lord or thing He isn’t in complete control; it’s just that WORD! It’s time to overcome words and follow my heart.

Learning to embrace my MASTER,


Learn and Feed

Another teacher shared this website with me, and I thought it would be appropriate to let the “world” know (or atleast the 20 or so people who read my blog on the regular).

www.freerice.com is a site where you can play educational games and donate grains of rice to people in need. My students have really been getting into this today on the English Vocabulary level, and I’ve discovered that you can also do other subjects. I was just testing my knowledge in Italian and English Grammar, and I realized that other people would really enjoy this too. I would also like to turn this into my own public service announcement, for those of you who incorrectly use the words further and farther, their and there, to two and too, and any other variation of horrible grammer. Please go to this site and fight world hunger, as well as world ignorance.

Happy Learning you World Changers!


Why I Fast….

Traditionally, when people say they are fasting, it is from some form of nurishment. I think these traditional fasts are highly effective and are Biblically supported. I have done food fasts, and seen good results and answered prayer.

I have found that in my personal life, however, that God really speaks LOUDLY to me when I remove the biggest distractions in my life. Last year, those distractions were my cell phone and television. That fast was one of the hardest things I’ve gotten through, but the implication and results are still with me. I no longer waist money on a cable bill and I have really found myself cherishing personal time with God, instead of always looking to my phone for entertainment.

This year, I find myself relying on other vices. Twitter, for one, is something I abuse! Instead of going to God with my thoughts and issues, I often go to the web and tell the virtual world. This isn’t healthy. Also, I am on facebook WAY too much. I have probably lost precious hours of my life looking at people’s wedding pictures, reading posts, and checking out status updates when I could have probably read the entire Bible by now. But, let’s get serious, Leviticus and Number have got nothing on crazy photo albums from old high school friends. (Sorry Moses). I want to learn to find a better balance, though. I want to learn more discipline when it comes to how I spend my “free” time. I want be closer to God…and further from my computer screen. Finally, I spend way too much money eating out. Getting my finances in order is a major priority for me, so I need to start at the root of the issue: waisted money.

So, no more facebook until January 31st (a 21 day fast) and I am continuing my fast from Twitter and eating out (37 day fast) until February 6th. In 10 days God has already revealed BIG things to me, so I am trusting that by eliminating another distraction, He will be able to show me that much more. I can’t wait to gain understanding of the vision He has for my life! I can’t wait to meet and marry my husband. I can’t wait to be the woman God wants me to be, but let’s me honest, I AM enjoying the process. In short, I can’t wait!

Blessings to you all! Please keep reading if you want to follow my fast and continued journey with God!

Who Do I Say I Am?

I can’t express how elated I am right now! Today was BY FAR of the best days I have ever had at work, in any job. This isn’t because it was devoid of problems, nor does it mean I went a whole day without reprimand or disciplining a student. Today was so incredible because my students blindly walked into the most important topic their generation is facing right now, and I was able to speak truth into their lives, without mentioning God, Jesus, or The Cross. My message was clear though, and I will be praying that it sticks with as many as God will allow.

My 9th grade classes are getting into our short story lesson, in which they will learning the elements of plot in every story. The element of plot that exists in EVERY story and in EVERY life that this: CONFLICT. Today’s lesson was to discuss and write about conflict: the ones we’ve faced, are facing, or have seen others face. The students shared their conflicts and were able to express they’re aggressions and feelings openly. In my first period class a student raised his hand and said that race was a conflict for him, and almost everyone in the room agreed. As I teach at a school that is 99% African-American, you can imagine that these students were of similar mind when they heard this complaint. I began to draw out of them what exactly was the conflict with race, and why this conflict existed. People talked loud, expressed anger, spoke about personal experiences, and a lack of answered existed as to how it all could get better. I told my students to start shouting out stereotypical words or phrases people use to label minorities in America. The list was so long I ran out of board space! I then asked them this:

“If you’ve all previously agreed that if someone called you a name that you didn’t agree with you wouldn’t tolerate it, why then are you tolerating being called all these names on a daily basis? How can you change the name that people call you into one that you accept?”

What’s ironic about this just “coming up” is that I’ve been talking about this topic in 2 of my graduate classes for the past few months (this past Tuesday night especially) and I can’t believe I was able to express to my students that which my professor expressed to us:

“If you change someone’s name, you change their identity.”

As a culture, African Americans, in general, don’t know their identity. We are typically told by the media and the government who we are and what we will amount to. If someone is constantly telling you who you are and what you will be, you will eventually become that. My professor told us the other night ( and I still need to check these facts) that around 83% of slaves who came over from Africa were LITERATE. A recent poll taken in the United States recorded that only 51% of African Americans are literate now. I don’t know if this is exactly accurate, but when I think about this, it makes sense. If we weren’t illiterate when we came here, but we are increasing becoming illiterate, it appears that we are believing what people say we are. Even if the statistics aren’t accurate, look around you! People call us poor, junkies, dead-beats, uneducated, lazy, loud, never on time, illiterate, drugged up, criminals, unreliable, and so on. I see so much of this on a daily basis because people have decided to accept the name they are given.

I want more for my students. I want more for myself. I learned a long time ago to refuse to accept the name people give me, but these kids don’t better yet. They don’t know that they have the choice to rise above any and every stereotype and be called a better name: educated, loved, loyal, stable, rich, wise, free, caring, successful, literate, civilized, proper, phenomenal, outstanding, trustworthy, honest, conquerer, capable.

I ended class by telling my students that this conflict is not only man vs. man, it’s man vs. self as well. We might not be able to stop the former, but the latter is completely in our control. I told them it’s paramount to know who you and the name you have for yourself, NOW. Decide now what you want to be called, or else someone will TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE, and you’ll believe them. I don’t know why I feel so passionately about this, but words just kept flowing out of my mouth when I was teaching this lesson on conflict. YES, it will ALL tie into the stories we read, but this wasn’t what I intended to teach today. My plans weren’t exactly what God has in mind, and today, I praise Him for this. I honestly think even if one students decides to do things differently, God accomplished something through me. And, on top of that, I learned some things about myself. I told my students to write the name they want to be called at the bottom of their paper before turning it in. I was blown away by the responses, and so impressed when several asked me if they could be called more than one thing. I said, “of course you can.” I’ve decided to turn this into an assignment which will end in us decorating the outside bulletin board with their new names. I cannot WAIT to see this!

Who do I say that I am?

I am loyal, trustworthy, successful, Godly, loving, caring, able, equipped, hard-working, dedicated, a little crazy, passionate, talented, happy, humourous, smiling, employed, blessed, surviving, ransomed, loved, alive.

Who do you say that you are?

Goodbye 2009

I have never been more happy to say goodbye to a collection of days. The 365 days that were 2009 literally started for me with a fight. I was in Orlando with my best friend and on the way back to Jacksonville we fought the whole 2 hour ride. We reconciled quickly, but I should have know that day that this year was not going to be an easy one.

My 2009 was riddled with loss, heartache, suffering, discomfort, and pain. I tried to record everything that happened to me, but after a while I simply couldn’t imagine NOT remembering the outrageous happening of my year. From police encounters to robbery; from the loss of my beloved grandfather to the fear not being able to pay my bills because I was literally broke. I have been through the fire this year.

I don’t want to use this entry to complain, though. Please know that eventhough this has been a tough year to get through, I DID get through it. And let me be clear, THE ONLY way I could have managed to even muster the breath to move on this year is because of my Savior and Redeemer, JESUS CHRIST. God Himself literally carried me through all of my trials, and I am often reminded of the Footprints poem and the beautiful picture that accompanies it. In the words of Marvin Sapp, I literally “never would have made it” without God.

Though this year was my toughest, it was also my MOST BLESSED. If I was honest with myself, I would have no choice but to say that God truly showed me favor and blessings without ceasing. When the hours were darkest, He was there to shine light. When I felt completely alone, He comforted me. When I was ready to give up, He loudly shouted, “I don’t think so!”

At the beginning of 2009 I entered into a 21 day fast, giving up the two things in my life that seemed to be major distractions: television and my cell phone (YES, my actual cell phone). This year, I have decided to fast again, this time for 37 days (the first 10% of the year) a tithing and offering to God for 2010. The two things that distract me or hinder me the most during this season in my life are Twitter (AGH!!) and eating out. I tweet WAY too much, to the point that when something happens I instantly form it into a 140 word catchy phrase to share with the tweet-verse. I need to, instead, go to God with my thoughts and issues. In addition, I waste a lot of money eating out. It’s not unhealthy food, but it’s a waste because I’ve already bought groceries! For this reason, it is unhealthy! The goals I have for 2010 (being financially stable, losing 50 more lbs, and taking steps closer to my husband) can only be accomplished if I eliminate distractions and truly seek to hear God’s voice.

This is my opinion, and I can only say that from my experience from fasting last year, I truly gained clarity when I took away the things that got in my way. I am believing in God to reveal BIG THINGS to me this year, especially during this fast. I plan to blog about my experience each day, and I pray that whoever reads this can gain something from my experience.

Prayfully believing in Big Things, This and EVERY year!