Month: January 2010

These sad words rang in my ear this morning at around 6. I was rolling over to snuggle a little closer to my bank of pillows, when I heard this plea from God; ” You Don’t Trust Me.” I was confused at first, then angered. “What do You mean I don’t trust You? I’ve given up my life for You! I am following the steps you set out for me to the best of my knowledge and sure, I mess up sometimes, but geez! I trust you!” I then proceeded to roll over and fall asleep for another 45 minutes. I thought the conversation was over at that point.

It’s comical how very often I am wrong.

As I was driving to work this morning, I heard those daunting words again; “You don’t trust me!” This time, I was was listening; this time, God had the full attention. I was curious as to what My Creator was trying to communicate to me, so I listened.

“You don’t trust Me to protect you, and you certainly don’t trust me with your finances as much as you think you do. You don’t think I am enough to satisfy you, and you live in fear of the things you have no control over. You obsess over wordly things, only to find that you can’t afford them, then you get greedy. You don’t turn me enough for answers, though you think you do. You don’t know me well enough to know My will or My heart, and you need to stop running and just accept the fact that if you want what I have planned for you, you’re going to have to trust me completely, and not this 50% mess. Yes, you’ve done some great things in My Name and for My Kingdom, and yes, you are on course, but daughter, there is SO much more I need and want to do with and through you and this whole trust issue is really getting in My way. Let me be God; Let me show you what Love really is. Let me breathe Life into you that you’ve never imagined. Stop faking it; Let me REALLY be in control.”

I didn’t want to share this with you, readers. I honestly don’t think I have ever been more transparent. However, I realize that if I am going to take even bigger steps closer to God, I am going to need to be even more honest with myself and with those around me. My God doesn’t reside in secret or seclusion, so neither should His message.

I have to be true and genuine here; I am terrified. I truly thought I trusted God “enough.” I thought I was doing “enough.” But what is enough? My definition of enough isn’t God’s, and for that matter, does God ever think there is “enough”? I would venture that the answer is no. God will always ask for more because God knows what we can handle. And right now, the Author of Life is ready to get more from me, and it’s time I stop running and simply say,

“I am ready, God. Show me how to truly trust You.”

I arrived home tonight to find that my cell phone didn’t make the journey with me. I left my phone on campus. What’s funny is that while I was packing my bags into my car, I was thinking that I should grab my phone as that is what I usually do. I decided that I wouldn’t so this, as the drive home is short and I wanted to reflect upon the teachings of my enlightened professor.

Bad move.

….or was it?

I didn’t instantly freak out when I got home. Instead, I got angry and told God that I refused to believe that this was happening. I wasn’t upset with God; I was upset with the situation. I told My Creator that I wouldn’t accept the fact that this phone was being taken away from me. I have had so many (what I thought was important) things stolen from me in the past year, I didn’t want to believe that this, too, was gone.

In logging onto my computer, I found an email from my frantic mother who received a phone call from the person who (THANK GOD) found my phone. She was shaken by the call, but I was joyous of the fact that someone, indeed, had found that which was briefly lost. Before reading this email I told God, “I know you have and WILL restore that which has been taken from me.” I know my phone wasn’t stolen, but it was lost. And the point here is that I didn’t pray, ” God, PLEASE bring my phone back,” or “Lord, can you make this go away?” Instead, I told God, “I trust You; I know You will come through on Your Word; I believe in You in all circumstances.”

Though the phone still isn’t in my hand, and that feeling is weird, I am comforted by something else in this situation. I instantly wanted to get on facebook and twitter and see if I could get the “world” to help me find my phone. I thought, maybe I could just get on quickly and use it to help me, even though I am still fasting from both media outlets. I had to check myself and these thoughts. I was actually going to tell My Provider that I didn’t think the provisions offered by God were enough. In breaking my fast I would have said to the Lord, “You can’t sustain me; I need that cell phone more than I need You.” This isn’t a sentence I want My Source to ever hear coming from my lips.

In addition, I feel as though God has something major to say to me. In this moment, I can’t use facebook, or twitter, and I don’t have a cellphone to distract me. I genuinely have known God to put me (and others) in this uncomfortable situations when the Author of Life wants to speak and breathe Divine Truth. I am ready to hear whatever God has to say, but please, if you’re reading this, pray for me. Who knows if this message will be one I enjoy. All I know is that He wants me to listen….the Words that follow can’t be predicted by me.

Okay Lord, I am listening.

“Hello!”

It’s absolutely painful to be placed in the middle of a humbling experience. It’s my own fault; I prayed for this.

I know what you’re thinking: who prays for pain? Well, if you read and study your Word, you know that God calls us to constantly seek His Will and not our own. This Will of God, the God I serve, doesn’t always put me in comfortable situations. As a matter of fact, I have been in more awkward, painful, nasty situations as a believer in Christ than I ever was as a person of the world. In short, following God can be a painful (sometimes bloody) journey.

I am forced to think about a few recent situations in my life (some of which I am still walking through) in which God has called me to be humbled and brought down to a level of truth, where I am NOT “miss thang.”

One such situation happened Friday when I opened my mouth at work and spoke hurtful words to some of my colleagues. I spoke out of anger, fully motivated by my foolish pride, and I regretted what I said instantly. I immediately apologized for my words, but the damage was done. God used this situation to teach me that I don’t know and can’t do anything void of Him. In knowing this, and also learning it continually, I have decided to change the way that I interact with people. If I am imperfect, that means that others are too. If others are imperfect, their judgment of me shouldn’t carry so much weight. In the same manner, my judgment of others shouldn’t happen so regularly, since my imperfect behind is no better than anyone.

Another situation has to do with one of my classes. In short, I think I can teach the class. I even thought about dropping it so I could be present at worship team practice, since I would rather be there. However, God had to reveal to me that this is a test. I have to stick it out; I have to attend every class; I have to respect the authority in charge of the class, as that is the person God has placed in that position and not me. And, though my desires for being present at worship practice on Thursday nights are valid and justified, I have to prove to God that I am willing to cast down my desires to meet His.

This whole growing process is painful and annoying. But, it must be said that the rewards and benefits to following God cannot even be matched by the trials and pains. It’s worth it. It’s all worth it, and for this reason, I can count it all joy because I am trying my best to do what I feel God has called me to do. Last night I thanked God for the pain and the hurtful situations I’ve been in. I think that was the first time I truly understood what it means to “praise Him through the storm.”

It’s raining, but I think I will dance in the drops…

I couple in my Writing class gave me this Anonymously written piece yesterday night in class. The couple has graciously answered my over-extatic questions when I found out that two had met in class and married on campus 2 years later. I love stories like that! Anyway, here is what they gave me; I pray it touches you as it did me.

—————————————

Everyone longs to give himself or herself completely to someone, to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and unconditionally.

BUT GOD SAYS:

No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with living loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly with me alone.

I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me; exclusively of anyone or anything else; exclusively of any other desires and longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing; one that you can’t imagine. I want you to have the very best.

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO BRING IT TO YOU

Just keep your eyes on me, expecting the greatest things. Keep expecting that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.
YOU MUST BE PATIENT

Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have. Don’t look at the things you want. Just keep looking up to me, or you will miss what I want to give you.

And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
AND THIS IS PERFECT LOVE

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection.

I AM GOD ALMIGHTY

BELIEVE AND BE SATISFIED

What race do you identify with? I mean, if you have to choose (which you do, by the way) what race would you identify with? I, as an interracial woman, identify with being an African American with Caucasian lineage. My mother being white (Italian) and my father being black (African-American) I believe that I am safe in identifying with BOTH races that feed into my personality, my physical appearance, and my being. Though my skin is a delicious carmel color (haha, indeed I do love my God-given hue) I cannot deny that part of who I am stems from my more pale European ancestors.

When I say this to my African-American friends, I truly think some of them frown upon this personal decision to recognize my full heritage. In society, I think it is safe to assume that most people who look at me and think, “she’s black.” This is fine; they are simply stating the color label that society has come to agree with; they aren’t speaking on my race or ethnicity. Black is not a race; it is simply a color. My culture isn’t black. I don’t have “black”traditions. At Christmas, we don’t eat a “black” meal… as a matter of fact, I don’t even know what a black meal is (I am not talking about Soul Food, here people!). I am being honest; people need to know who they are, or they will accept whatever label society gives them. What does it mean to be “black?” Have you ever thought about that? When the Irish and Italians came over to America through Ellis Island, they were classified as black. So, did that have anything to do with the color of their skin, or more to do with what they represented. When someone says you’re black, what does that mean to them?

I guess I am fired up about this topic specifically tonight because of the race options that will appear on the 2010 US Census. People of African decent are given the option of selecting the button that says: “Negro, African-American, or Black.”(see picture above) This is not a correct . These 3 labels are not correctly synonymous, though society may think they are. Again, Negro and Black are colors, not races.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse here. I simply wanted to express some thoughts and let out some steam about the overall confusion and lack of knowledge we have about our cultural identity as African Americans. Maybe you’re reading this and think that I am incorrect, or overanalyzing the situation, but I have tried for too long to know more about my African roots, to no avail. I know everything there is to know about my Italian heritage, but I know very little about my African lineage. I think it’s time we, as a unified race, become more concerned with WHO we are, and less concerned with who people try to label us to be.

I did it. I finally did it! I took metal sissors to my head and cut off all my hair. I feel liberated. I feel natural. I feel free. I feel genuinely beautiful. I feel….scared.

As I journey through this fast with God, I am realizing just how much I am concerned with how other people view me. This is hard to accept and even harder to admit. I don’t know why, but I very much enjoy when other people validate what I already know to be true (concerning my looks, my personality, my faith). I dispise this need for external vindication; I pray daily that God equips me with the ability to love myself unconditionally, void of the oppinions of others. I know for sure these prayer are being answered, as I have come a long way. What concerns me now is that I desperately want to know my beauty through Christ, and Christ alone, but the temptation to be concerned with man’s image of me is always present.

So, I cut off most of my hair yesterday. Don’t confuse this with a drastic measure or need for attention. My intentions were 100% pure and self-satisfying. I have been debating this BC (Big Chop) for months now. I have been going back and forth trying to find the strength to just DO IT already! I have made solid choices to do it and not to do it. I have convinced myself that it would be foolish, I have convinced myself that it would be wonderful. Yesterday, I turned off my internal dialogue and just cut. And in cutting, I feel as though I symbolically stripped away everything that I am NOT and began to reveal everything that I AM. I finally know what I look like as a natural African Italian beauty. I am actually able to see what my hair looks like in it’s original form, and the vision of who I am as God initially created me takes my breath away. THIS is me? Really? I feel blessed and loved and whole, partially for the very first time. I feel like I have an opportunity to fall in love with the ME God sees me as, and I don’t want to forsake this chance I have been given. I feel like for the first time ever I can walk in confidence, knowing that I am not wearing a wig or sporting some fake extension of my true selfe. I am finally ME.

So, the journey continues. As I seek to love the ME that God loves, I am sure pit falls and distractions will be nipping at my heels. As I venture into an appreciation of my true self, I am certain some variable of lies will be thrown my way. As a matter of fact, my first period class has already made it very clear that they don’t approve of my new look. Thank GOD it doesn’t really matter what THEY think! As I continue on this quest, Psalm 35 gives me strength. Especially verse 3b,

Say to my soul,
“I am your salvation.”

Yes Lord, speak truths to my soul! Tell me who you say I AM so loudly that what the world says I cannot hear.

May the Lord protect and keep you always!

Danni

I am going to be honest here: I cannot stop laughing about this. I was reading the weekly secrets on postsecret and found one to be particularly interesting. Not because the postcard itself was all that jazzy, but instead, because of the comments people left about that postcard. Simple in image and language, the card shows a picture of a black cat with the words “I’m afriad the rapture will come and my pets will be left all alone.” An honest concern, if you ask me. What strikes me as hilarious is the comments that follow, one of which offers this solution:

“Google ‘pets and rapture’ and you’ll find many options.”

I did what the author of that comment told me to do, and I found countless websites posted by “athiests” who offer services to people, post-rapture. Check out these two: http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
and http://www.postrapturepets.com/. If you pay money now, these people will guarentee that your pets are taken care of if you’re raptured during your life time. One of the sites said that you pay $110.00 and their service if offered within 10 years of payment recieved. What happens if that 10 years lapses? I would imagine you pay that fee again.

Am I the only one laughing at this? Not only are so-called athiests making money off of believers, but people are actually falling for this and doing it. Do I think the athiests are lying? No, I would imagine that they probably do provide the services you pay for. What’s funny to me is that if you say you don’t believe, why offer a service that directly caters to an event that is part of the faith system? To make money? To make believers look foolish? To admit that you really do believe?

How many other businesses are out there that offer services like this in the event of the rapture? How much money is being made on this? And what are people really paying for? Peace of mind? Comfort? Satisfaction? Security? I am going to be honest: I have pets but I am telling you right now that I think the LAST thing on my mind when I meet Jesus in the sky is going to be, ” Oh NO! Toby and Simba don’t have food!” Get out of here!

I laugh, but this is serious. What are you willing to believe?

Danni