It is a wonder to me how many lessons I have learned in my short 26 years. I am a good journey away from where God plans me to be, but I am an equally distant journey from where I was when I was trying hard to DIM (do it myself). When it comes to life lessons, I often feel as though others catch on much quicker than I do. I find myself repeatedly making the same mistakes and poor choices when faced with the SAME situations until I (quite literally) feel a slap in my face and understand that this is a stumbling block and a lesson I need to learn in order to move forward in my purpose with God. Yesterday, I realized my financial choices have been repetitive to the point where the slap in my face came while I was in tears with my payroll department. Learning to handle my finances will be another blog post, though. The lesson I am most impressed with learning is the one that has to do with matters of the heart; my heart, to be specific.
I began reading “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy this week. Knowing that I want and pray for a healthy and loving marriage, I have often found myself reading literature that can prepare me for the process and actual journey of marriage. If you know me, personally, you know that I am constantly trying to make the right and Godly decisions, and often find myself stressing about even little choices because I just don’t want to get it “wrong.” I am a recovering perfectionist and in the process of trying to get things right all the time, I still make poor choices and wrong moves. That’s life. It’s inevitable, and I am slowing learning to deal with my imperfections, one at a time. However, the one area in my life that I am certain God needs me to “clean up” right now is the area of my heart.
In Deuteronomy chapter 6 verse 5, the Bible says: “Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, with all your mind, with all your soul.” I began to ask myself last night if this was something I had mastered; is this something I do? Sadly, the answer is NO. I know that my value comes from the Lord and that I am only whole with Him. I know that no earthly man can satisfy me the way that God wants to and can. I know that if I listen to what the world says about me I will fail and prove them right, but if I listen to the Lord and allow him to feed into my self image, I will succeed and prove Him right. I know all of this, yet I have not successfully found a way to have an intimate relationship with Jesus. I want an earthly husband. I want an intimate relationship with the ONE God has for me on Earth, not just anyone. However, God is continually sending me the message that until I get my relationship with Him in check (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) He can’t send that man to me. So no matter how ready I feel mentally (or physically, for that matter) if God isn’t satisfied with our relationship, He isn’t going to bless me with a marital relationship. I can understand why.
If I don’t know how to intimately share my life with Jesus (allow Him to court me, love me, comfort me) how can I let a human man do all of that. I will continually settle for less than what God has planned if I don’t allow Jesus to show me what it means to properly be loved. The author of LOVE itself wants to show me how it can truly feel; who am I to forsake this? However, I have been forsaking it for quite some time. I have allowed myself to feel the pain and loneliness of being single and often feel self pity because I don’t “deserve” to be alone. I have known God was asking me to allow Him in (more than I already have-to a level I can’t even begin to explain) and I haven’t accepted His invitations. Instead, I have tried to DIM (do it myself) by doing a lot of stuff alone (embracing my singleness) or by doing a lot of stuff while lonely (scouring at my singleness). At the end of the day, though, I have turned my back on my true love and wasted some time when I could have been feeding into my relationship with Him.
I asked God, in a simple prayer last night, to show me what a relationship with Him looks like. “I don’t know what to do, or how to proceed. If you want me to do this I am going to need you to show me what this looks like, because I have no idea.” It was a brief, but powerful prayer. This morning I awoke feeling genuinely refreshed and today I feel as though I can honestly say I am taking steps toward harvesting this relationship with Jesus. My eyes are open and I am imagining and praying about what He could possibly reveal to me. In truth, my mind can’t comprehend the Love he plans to show me because I have never experienced it before. In short, I am excited to see all that this encompasses.
What do I hope to gain through all of this? The list is endless. But, most importantly, I hope to gain a better respect of myself and a tougher skin when facing the world. I hope to truly hear Jesus telling me my value and worth and accept it and walk in it on a daily basis. I hope to grow as a woman of Christ, a wife, and a mother. I hope to strengthen my relationship with God and myself. I hope to grow and be moving in the right and Godly direction. I hope….