My own worst critic (transparent thoughts)

If you know me, and I am assuming most of you don’t, then you know that I am personally my own worst critic. Most people say these words without truly knowing what they mean; therefore, not truly meaning it. But to display the degree to which I judge myself for my avid reader(s), let me put it this way: I would throw ME under the perverbial bus.

HAHA, not really! It’s not THAT bad, but it is bad. I am SO hard myself and it disgusts and motivates me all at the same time. It’s this trait of my personallity that caused me to lose 80lbs recently; and that also causes me stress and fright when I don’t get in the proper workouts or eat right. I am haunted by all that I feel I need to be doing, and am not doing. I don’t feel fruitful or worthy of breathing air if I am not physically giving back to society and the world.

I say this because I am personally struggling with the fact that I quit my job in Jacksonville and am now living in Atlanta working at a coffee house with a 21 yr old manager who reprimanded me today…and I can’t help but scream, “What the H was I thinking?”

Today was a low day. I don’t feel like I am giving anything back to the world right now; I feel worthless. I don’t have a “real” job, people continually tell me what the unemployment rate is (like I need a statistic; I am living it), and my desire and drive to be physically working and doing something is eating me up inside as I blend lattes and brew house coffee. I don’t feel like I matter at a coffee house. I don’t feel like I matter in Atlanta; not yet, anyway.

Even as I type this blog I know that my words are foolish, meaningless, blabber that is only being feuled by the enemy of my soul who wants nothing more than for me to regret my decision to follow Christ and make a move to Atlanta based solely on faith. I know God hasn’t left me; I know he has plans for my life beyond my imagination. And yet, today, I feel like my life is a puzzle board with a lot of scattered and missing peices, whereas in Jacksonville the puzzle was almost completely together. Does that make sense?

I find it hard to believe that I am so unskilled and unhireable that I have sent my information(resume, cover letter, and 4 letters of recommendation) to over 160 businesses, schools, universities and still haven’t been hired somewhere. I know God is holding out on something; I have a strong feeling that He has something waiting for me. My only concern is how much longer I can wait. How many more jobs do I need to apply for? How many more days will come to me where I feel worthless, useless, unimportant in the working world?

I don’t want to sound whiney or ungrateful; please know I thank God everyday for what I do have. Today, I was just forced to examine my life and I feel a little left behind, if you will. I feel like there is more I can be doing in this world. I feel…I need to continue to pray.

Thanks for reading.

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I am a 32 year old teacher in Georgia, originally from Ohio (Go Buckeyes!). I am also a singer and I recently taught myself how to play guitar. For fun, I enjoy reading and lots of Netflix binges, which is my American right! I have also been known to cycle, run half marathons, and do just about whatever I set my mind to. A charming shepherd-mix dog named Kingsley lives with me and keeps me laughing at his antics at every turn. I am learning how to love the life I live with each passing day. Sometimes it's easy...other times, I write about it.

One thought on “My own worst critic (transparent thoughts)”

  1. Hey beautiful!! I love what u are doing on ur blog. As I looked down, I found this title and had to stop. The enemy has tried to get me down the past couple of days with my weight. Just gaining a little gets me down, or bloating up…ya know. I have been out of the gym for a good and there but nothing constant. So today, I am starting to do more exercise and doing your 100 days of Bible reading. I was pretty good at that until getting married which u would think gets u to do it more but life happens. I have to remember to revolve my life around CHRIST not revolve life around Him.

    Here is a song that kept and keeps me going when I was/am waiting on many answers from our Father. Check it out love and let me know;) God bless u in all u do…and u are making a difference right now with ur writing…no matter your “worldly job title”. 🙂

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