My own worst critic (transparent thoughts)

If you know me, and I am assuming most of you don’t, then you know that I am personally my own worst critic. Most people say these words without truly knowing what they mean; therefore, not truly meaning it. But to display the degree to which I judge myself for my avid reader(s), let me put it this way: I would throw ME under the perverbial bus.

HAHA, not really! It’s not THAT bad, but it is bad. I am SO hard myself and it disgusts and motivates me all at the same time. It’s this trait of my personallity that caused me to lose 80lbs recently; and that also causes me stress and fright when I don’t get in the proper workouts or eat right. I am haunted by all that I feel I need to be doing, and am not doing. I don’t feel fruitful or worthy of breathing air if I am not physically giving back to society and the world.

I say this because I am personally struggling with the fact that I quit my job in Jacksonville and am now living in Atlanta working at a coffee house with a 21 yr old manager who reprimanded me today…and I can’t help but scream, “What the H was I thinking?”

Today was a low day. I don’t feel like I am giving anything back to the world right now; I feel worthless. I don’t have a “real” job, people continually tell me what the unemployment rate is (like I need a statistic; I am living it), and my desire and drive to be physically working and doing something is eating me up inside as I blend lattes and brew house coffee. I don’t feel like I matter at a coffee house. I don’t feel like I matter in Atlanta; not yet, anyway.

Even as I type this blog I know that my words are foolish, meaningless, blabber that is only being feuled by the enemy of my soul who wants nothing more than for me to regret my decision to follow Christ and make a move to Atlanta based solely on faith. I know God hasn’t left me; I know he has plans for my life beyond my imagination. And yet, today, I feel like my life is a puzzle board with a lot of scattered and missing peices, whereas in Jacksonville the puzzle was almost completely together. Does that make sense?

I find it hard to believe that I am so unskilled and unhireable that I have sent my information(resume, cover letter, and 4 letters of recommendation) to over 160 businesses, schools, universities and still haven’t been hired somewhere. I know God is holding out on something; I have a strong feeling that He has something waiting for me. My only concern is how much longer I can wait. How many more jobs do I need to apply for? How many more days will come to me where I feel worthless, useless, unimportant in the working world?

I don’t want to sound whiney or ungrateful; please know I thank God everyday for what I do have. Today, I was just forced to examine my life and I feel a little left behind, if you will. I feel like there is more I can be doing in this world. I feel…I need to continue to pray.

Thanks for reading.

Nothing can separate

Just got home from passing water to the homeless in downtown Atlanta. I have to admit, it’s always a humbling experience when serving the Lord’s people who are less fortunate, but for some reason, my eyes were REALLY opened this evening when I was walking around downtown Atlanta and realizing that NOTHING separates-the person with water-and them-the people without.

I have done NOTHING to deserve the roof over my head; my abilities are few, my praise is always lacking, and yet God continues to provide for me daily. I fret about he fact that I don’t have a “real” job right now but in truth; isn’t my God big enough to provide? One week ago I received a financial miracle that blows my mind, and yet each day I continually wake up soaked in a sweat of fear; fear that another day will go by and I won’t have the job I was hoping for.

I think about these men and woman who are lining the streets of Atlanta. They were like me; looking for a job, living in a house or apartment; average. There is nothing that separates us; I could be them. And thinking about that makes me feel a variable of emotions: fear, praise, confusion, dedication, admiration.

In the end, my feelings mean nothing if I am not continually going to God. For some reason, only known to Him, He loves us unconditionally. He loves me unconditionally. Nothing can separate me from that love.

I don’t even know if this entry is making sense to anyone other than me; but I feel like God was speaking to me tonight. Maybe I need to wrap my mind around these thoughts before I type them up, but I made a decision to make myself more transparent (as I typically remain very private). So here are my thoughts; raw, unplugged, if you will. It’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe more later…maybe not.

HAH, thanks for reading. Be blessed!


Vacation….from Facebook

It ┬áhas come to my attention that the more I explore the pages of facebook, I more down I become. I don’t know it’s because I see SO many engagements on a daily basis, or because as I sit semi-jobless in a new town, I feel insignificant. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am in the right place; I know I followed my heart and God’s guidance; I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others-EVER. What I also know is that I am a realist; it’s only natural for me to have and express the desires God placed in my heart as his daughter. Therefore, it’s only ┬ánatural for me to feel a little slighted, left-out, alone when I see what seems like the rest of the world pairing up.

Do I want to be married? Of course. Am I willing to sacrifice what I want in the long run for what I desire right now? Absolutely…NOT. I will not settle for just anyone, and I think this is a major reason why I am still alone. God has placed a mandate on my life, and has, for some insane reason, chosen me to do some pretty incredible things with some pretty incredible man by my side. And while I ache for that love it seems a lot of others have found, I am willing and able to wait as long as it takes (of Lord, that scared me to type ┬áthat sentence!) But seriously, it wouldn’t be worth it for me to say “yes” to the next guy just so I could post pictures on facebook and change my relationship status. It’s not worth throwing away my future just to get some comments about “how happy” everyone is for me.

I don’t say all this to put those people down who are getting engaged; I am SO happy for my friends who have true love and who are engaged or married to the person God planned for them. I say all this to help myself make sense of my emotions. I am just trying to figure out why all my male friends who look at facebook are seemingly unphased by the engagement announcements, while each one hits me like a knife. Is it a sex difference? Or is it just me? Regardless of the answer, I have made a firm decision to express love for myself, and avoid FB for a bit; at least until I can make sense of my feelings about it all.

Hoping I am not crazy,

Danni ­čÖé