If you know me, and I am assuming most of you don’t, then you know that I am personally my own worst critic. Most people say these words without truly knowing what they mean; therefore, not truly meaning it. But to display the degree to which I judge myself for my avid reader(s), let me put it this way: I would throw ME under the perverbial bus.
HAHA, not really! It’s not THAT bad, but it is bad. I am SO hard myself and it disgusts and motivates me all at the same time. It’s this trait of my personallity that caused me to lose 80lbs recently; and that also causes me stress and fright when I don’t get in the proper workouts or eat right. I am haunted by all that I feel I need to be doing, and am not doing. I don’t feel fruitful or worthy of breathing air if I am not physically giving back to society and the world.
I say this because I am personally struggling with the fact that I quit my job in Jacksonville and am now living in Atlanta working at a coffee house with a 21 yr old manager who reprimanded me today…and I can’t help but scream, “What the H was I thinking?”
Today was a low day. I don’t feel like I am giving anything back to the world right now; I feel worthless. I don’t have a “real” job, people continually tell me what the unemployment rate is (like I need a statistic; I am living it), and my desire and drive to be physically working and doing something is eating me up inside as I blend lattes and brew house coffee. I don’t feel like I matter at a coffee house. I don’t feel like I matter in Atlanta; not yet, anyway.
Even as I type this blog I know that my words are foolish, meaningless, blabber that is only being feuled by the enemy of my soul who wants nothing more than for me to regret my decision to follow Christ and make a move to Atlanta based solely on faith. I know God hasn’t left me; I know he has plans for my life beyond my imagination. And yet, today, I feel like my life is a puzzle board with a lot of scattered and missing peices, whereas in Jacksonville the puzzle was almost completely together. Does that make sense?
I find it hard to believe that I am so unskilled and unhireable that I have sent my information(resume, cover letter, and 4 letters of recommendation) to over 160 businesses, schools, universities and still haven’t been hired somewhere. I know God is holding out on something; I have a strong feeling that He has something waiting for me. My only concern is how much longer I can wait. How many more jobs do I need to apply for? How many more days will come to me where I feel worthless, useless, unimportant in the working world?
I don’t want to sound whiney or ungrateful; please know I thank God everyday for what I do have. Today, I was just forced to examine my life and I feel a little left behind, if you will. I feel like there is more I can be doing in this world. I feel…I need to continue to pray.
Thanks for reading.